So let’s talk about how our boundaries shrink by relationship today.
Let me set the scene; we decide we need to unwind and head to the local bar. We are having a cold beer and listening to a band. A very drunk man at the bar steps over to our table to talk to you. He starts leaning over our table practically on top of you. This man asks you to dance, and you politely decline. This guy starts getting a little angry and starts talking louder. Telling you, you will dance with him, again, you tell him no thank you. “Well, you’re just a stuck-up bitch. You’re not that hot to be so rude.” He grabs your arm. Trying to pull you from your chair and towards the dance floor. You snake your arm away.” Do not grab me!” We agree that the situation is ruining our evening, so we gather our stuff, pay our tab, and leave the bar.
Another example, if you’re more like me while yanking your arm away from them, you start yelling at them, “Are you kidding me? How dare you grab me! If you touch me again, I will beat you to death!” Those are two different reactions, but both are examples of a person interpreting how someone else is treating them—recognizing if the behavior is unwelcome, dangerous, or allowed. You are also declaring that you do not want to be treated that way. There’s a mental pause, and we are stating our boundaries, defending our right to keep our boundaries, to be happy, safe, and protect our physical and psychological well-being.
Let’s take a look at why this intoxicated person tripped our boundary lines.
This is a stranger.
A stranger is stepping into our personal space with them towering over you. When we are in a situation, especially in my example were sitting at a table, and if they are average height and we are lower because we are sitting. With this stranger leaning over us, it becomes a sheer intimidation factor.
They’re asking us to do something we do not want to do, and asking us the first time is not an issue. It is when the stranger does not take your answer and move along. It’s an instant statement there you’re either not respected enough to be believed when you make a decision, you don’t know what you want or what’s good for you. So they will override your choice. Or they have more determination and strength to make you do what I want you to do. –Manipulation, controlling, and coercion techniques.
Which can all cause compromises to self-confidence, feeling helplessness or shame, and anxiety.
“Well, you’re just a bitch”. There we have, name-calling another form of coercion when they’re using bullying, restraining, or trying to dominate you. -You feel guilt that someone thinks that of you in that manner. You second guess your decision that maybe you were too quick to decide.
“You’re not that hot.” Another example of bullying used to attack your self-esteem, and self-worth to browbeat you into doing what they want.
Because insults, pathetic lines, or thinly veiled psychopath attempts will make people reassess the situation in the strangers’ favor. No! It usually throws up red flags, killing any slight legitimate shot they could have ever had.
Grabbing your arm. Bullying, physically trying to force you to do what the stranger wants, and showing their strength to intimidate you further.
Strangers
My boundaries with a stranger.
- I will not allow them to step into my space.
- I will not allow them to try to change my mind using manipulation or bullying techniques.
- I will not allow them to gaslight my clear and accurate memories.
- I will not allow them to use name-calling to lower my self-esteem.
- I will not let someone touch me unpermitted.
- I will not allow someone to move me without my consent.
When my boundaries are broken, I will recognize them, inform the individual, and defend my boundaries by physically giving myself space by stepping away from them a step or two, holding up my hand as a sign of stop, speaking my truth, and confronting them and then physically leave if necessary.
We are usually capable of keeping our boundary lines secure and protect our physical and emotional well-being when dealing with strangers.
Family
When we deal with family members, our boundaries shrink.
My mother calls me Piggly Wiggly, an unflattering nickname given to me at birth for my leg rolls. As I push towards 40 and I have never been overweight, I sure have had eating disorders. I have told my mother hundreds of times that I would prefer her not to call me by that nickname. But I will excuse her behavior because my mom is my mom. We allow family members to call us demeaning and shitty nicknames that do bother us. They are not respecting our boundaries. They know by this stage in the game that they are hurtful; they know it bothers you. Any continued use is to bully you and be cruel, and they are hitting you square in the self-worth and self-esteem center.
When our children are little, and they are paraded around distant or estranged family members. These family members usually ask for a hug and kiss. Our child recoils, and they shy away. (A clear sign that they are uncomfortable and maybe lack the vocabulary to state their desires not to be touched.) We push them physically towards the strangers and tell them to do it. We are overriding their physical and emotional boundaries because we don’t want to rock the boat.
Spouses
When we’re dating someone.
We can easily get caught up in situations where they call us names when they’re angry. Maybe they make fun of you with the desire to kneecap your self-esteem. They can gaslight your clear memories to again coerce you into second-guessing and lowering your faith in your abilities. These behaviors help with future manipulations.
If your partner has ever begged, belittled, and then slowly forced themselves on you. When you clearly stated to them that you were not in any mood to fool around. “It will only take a few minutes; I’ll do all the work. Just lay there. Here give me your hand. You are never in the mood.”
They were again destroying any modest physical, emotional, or sexual boundary you set. This behavior is setting up a pattern where your spouse will make choices with your body with very little consent from you. Then the guilt and shame for not speaking up when the situation escalated. Questioning our judgment, was I just raped? I said no when they asked, and then I just road out what they were doing to me. I didn’t try to stop them. Did I enjoy that? Did they know what I needed more than I did?
No, that was rape; there was no clear sign of consent. Just a pig that was overriding your answer and continuing to do what they wanted to do. They were not thinking of your feelings or even your preliminary approval.
So what happened to the fantastic boundary lines we drew with the stranger? With closer personal relationships, it gets smaller and smaller.
Well yeah, that’s my mom, my husband. My boundary lines are less, and I lower my guard around them.
There is a fallacy in our thinking boundaries are not armor to keep us safe. It’s the blueprint to our being. It means you know yourself so you can stick up for your needs and emotions without feeling guilty. Boundaries are there to guide you and others on what does and doesn’t work for you. It’s the blueprint for treating yourself with love, care, trust, respect, and knowing your limit. So you can guide others to treat you similarly or they can move along.
” The only people that take issue with having boundaries are the ones who need your boundaries the most.”
If you’re afraid that you will lose friends or relationships if you stick to your boundaries, that you need to bend and lower your limits to maintain relationships. Is that what a relationship looks like to you? Relationships do not have to equal being a doormat or abuse.
Boundaries are a reflection of what we perceive as our values and our rights. If we demand respect, body autonomy, and the freedom to be heard from a virtual stranger, wouldn’t we also want someone closer to us to treat us the same, not worse?
Why would we lower our needs from someone we love and love us? Shouldn’t we give our significant other the blueprints they need and suggest that they give us theirs?
