Don’t Pack For The Guilt Trip
There was a time when generations of families lived in the same cave, making going home for the holidays a ‘no-brainer.’ But it did not take long for people to start exploring new lands, and moving away from Mom and Dad became the norm rather than the exception. Today, people move many time zones away from their familial home for many reasons: jobs, love, an itch to see new places, etc. But many of us needed to put some mileage between us and the family. We get along much better in small doses, preferably by phone or email, with an occasional FaceTime. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love our parents….but the truth is that there is a reason that we live a 5-hour plane trip away, making casual visits pretty much impossible. Unfortunately, we often try to forget this reason when the holidays come around, and we see our friends excitedly making plans to head home. We feel like something must be wrong with us and that we have no desire to spend hundreds of dollars fighting the traveling herds to head home. And the guilt starts to sink in…there must be something wrong with me that I don’t want to go home to see my family. It’s the holidays, and I should be home with my family, right? RIGHT?? No, not suitable unless you WANT to be home with your family. You’re an adult now, and you have a right to spend time with the people you WANT to spend your time with. It would help if you never spent time with ANYONE – whether they share your DNA or not – unless you want to. Instead of feeling guilty about not going home for the holidays, sit down and list the good and bad memories you have from your last visit home. Be honest. Be brutal. Two critical questions: How much do you dread going home? How long does it take to recover your sense of self-worth? How long does it take to return to your regular workflow when you get home? These are critical issues for the entrepreneur: we usually have no one but ourselves to answer to and no one but ourselves to keep us motivated. If your family disapproves of or denigrates your core means of supporting yourself – how does that impact you when you have to deal with it in person? You may be better off, emotionally and financially, by not going home for the holidays. A short visit after the first of the year, when the expectations are lower, and the stress is less, may be healthier for all involved. But as we all know – making the decision is only one small part of the process. Calling home and facing the ensuing guilt trip is the most significant part where most of us cave. I admit to resorting to the end-of-the-year work crunch (crazy clients, new clients, last-minute changes) simply because it is easier than revealing the truth – I simply don’t want to be there with them. But the point is, I have decided to stop feeling guilty about it. I moved away from home for a reason – daily contact with my family is unsuitable for me, my self-esteem, or my business. Instead, I enjoy the holidays with my friends (there are more people like us than you may think!), doing what I want to do instead of what I feel obligated to do. It’s become a time of regeneration, self-care, and renewal rather than recovery and self-doubt, as it was for most of my life. So stop packing that suitcase…no guilt trip this year, ok?
Have An Exit Strategy!
Going home for family events can be trying, even when you love most of the family, but when faced with a significant family gathering where you know there will be friction…planning for the worst is not a bad idea. Sometimes, planning for the worst-case scenario – knowing that you are prepared in advance – can make getting through the event easier. So, what planning do I recommend? Simple…plan your exit strategy ahead of time. Ok, yes, this may sound a little extreme to some of you, but trust me when I say that knowing you have a way out can sometimes make staying easier because you won’t feel trapped. Here are some tips to help you plan: 1) Reach out to a friend in town and see if they can let you crash on their couch if the situation becomes unbearable. 2) If possible, have your transportation. Rent a car, using the excuse that you would like to visit some old friends while in town. At worst – make sure you have the number of the local cab service and enough cash to get to your friend’s house – or a local motel. 3) My personal favorite: stay at a local motel/hotel because you need high-speed internet access for your business. Yes, it may be the holidays, but you like to stay on top of things in case of ‘technical’ issues. And yes, this may cause some grumbling, but if you phrase it right, they can tell everyone that you are working too hard and make it sound like they are proud of you instead of ticked off, which they are. It makes your exit after dinner so much easier and less hostile. The nice part about staying at the hotel is that it also gives you some breathing space and makes the rest of the time easier to endure. Throw in a nice massage or spa treatment, and things suddenly seem more positive. Or go work out the frustrations at the hotel gym. Either way, it’s much easier to deal with that today, Cousin Ralph. 4) Have a friend call at a pre-arranged time: this tried and true ‘blind date’ strategy can also be a lifesaver for family events! Have a good and trusted friend – preferably one the family does not know and so will not recognize the number on your caller ID – call to see how things are going. You can then determine the next course of action based on your current situation. 5) Go to bed early. Sometimes, simply pleading turkey coma, oncoming cold, or jet lag to escape may be enough to sidestep any unpleasantness. Start fresh the following day, when everyone is rested and sober, and start over. Whether you use it or not, having an exit strategy in your back pocket takes some of the pressure off. Instead of having to survive those three days, you know that you have a way out if you need it. And who knows? Maybe THIS time, it will be a great visit. When it comes to family…Hope springs eternal.
Drama Queens Are Gender Neutral
I have always loved the term ‘Drama Queen’ – it always makes me think of Mae West dramatically throwing her feather boa over her shoulder and strutting out of the room while all eyes are glued on her departure. What I DON’T love is the presence of a Drama Queen in my life daily. Occasionally, male or female Drama Queens can be fun simply because of their high entertainment value. For example, I used to have a (somewhat) close friend who loved to cause scenes with her boyfriends in public places. Arguments would end with a drink thrown in her current beau’s face or a salad dumped on his head, which, depending on whether or not I liked the ‘boyfriend du jour,’ could be pretty amusing…..for about 20 seconds. Then the embarrassment seeped in, and I wanted to crawl under the table. But notice that this is a former friend….the truth is that living with a person who has to be the center of attention is tiring constantly. It wears you down, and to put it bluntly is simply exhausting to everyone around them. The term Drama Queen implies that this is a female ‘thing,’ but it is not – Drama Kings are every bit as common as their female counterparts. The tactics may differ slightly, but the result is still the same – a drama with the Drama King at everyone’s attention. Often, it may seem to the observer of these dramas that the Drama Queen/King is driven by ego, but the truth is that the drama is more often a symptom of low self-esteem. Many are the product of self-involved or narcissistic parents and act out as children, trying to get their parents’ attention or to prove that they matter. They feel unloved and inadequate, and every new drama they create is an attempt to get compassion, sympathy, and, most importantly, attention from anyone and everyone in their lives at any given moment, so they act out. The problem is that these dramas exhaust everyone involved and eventually drive their friends and family away, the exact opposite of the effect that they are hoping for. Unfortunately, there is little that you can do to change a Drama Queen or King. Their issues are rooted in their personal histories, and until they decide to take the needed steps to deal with their past, the best course for you is one of self-preservation: if the Drama Queen is a friend – you need to decide if the friendship is worth the toll the drama takes on you. If not, then walk away, and don’t look back. If the Drama Queen is a family member…the same approach is advised, but walking away may be more difficult depending on your circumstances. But it would help if you were still proactive by controlling the time spent with this person and the circumstances. But, whether friends or family, put yourself first. Control your response, don’t participate in their drama, and don’t put yourself in the middle of it, if possible. Stay neutral, and above all, don’t let yourself get sucked into their play. By giving zero attention to their behavior, they will usually move on to their next target, leaving you with tremendous peace.
Self-Care During the Holidays
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a restful weekend after! I thought I’d share a few tips about getting through the holidays with your self-care needs intact. I know that I often find it difficult to maintain my normal routine during this time of year. Extra pressures financially and emotionally can make this a challenging time, especially for those who are sensitive. To help you stay centered and relaxed during this time of year, consider implementing a few of the tips below: 1. Continue to make time for yourself: Don’t let the holiday rush lead to skipping on your time to recharge. Write your time on your calendar and stick to it. You’ll need it to help you get through the next few weeks without burning out before the holidays. Aim to have a half-hour every day for yourself. 2. Get Outside: I know it is very cold out there (and I personally hate being cold!) but the fresh air is really important to keep our systems healthy. Schedule in daily time outside, even if it is only for 15 minutes. Bundle up and enjoy the crisp air and changing scenery! It’s a great time of year to check out the nighttime sky. 3. Set Limits: Work on ways to simplify Christmas and the holidays. One of the important aspects of this is to set limits on spending before you head to the store. There are so many interesting things out there, it is very easy to overspend. Deciding ahead of time how much you are going to spend and then sticking to it will help ease a lot of the tension often associated with the holidays. 4. Watch the cookies!: I absolutely LOVE cookies, but my body does not in any way love all that sugar. Pay attention to your diet and be sure you continue to drink lots of water and eat a healthy diet that helps you feel good. Keeping yourself feeling healthy and relaxed will also boost your immunity so you can avoid all the germs floating around! 5. Slow Down: I’m a “get things done quickly” sort of person so this step is still a tough one for me, but when I do it I’m amazed at how well it works!. When you feel like your to-do list is weighing you down and you’ll never get everything done, consider trying something new…do nothing. I know this goes against the grain, but actually taking a break and literally doing nothing (including thinking about all the things you have to do) can go a long way towards increasing your energy and your productivity. I didn’t make this up…it is actually a proven fact! Give it a try. Manifest in the Midwest
How To Create Affirmations To Support Your Goals
Identifying your weaknesses and creating powerful affirmations to address them is a very positive thing to do. But it will have a lot more meaning for you if you link your affirmations to the challenging goals that you have set for yourself. You do have goals, don’t you? If you don’t then you need to read every word of this article. Most people do not have any goals set and just drift along in life. They want different things but they are not prepared to put in the time and effort to get them. The reason that most people do not have goals set for the short and long term is that they associate pain with doing this. They are going to have to think about this and this requires effort. It’s much easier to waste their precious time on social media. Identify what you want You need to know what you really want in your life to set goals to achieve this. Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed and arm yourself with pen and paper. To find out what you really want you just need to ask yourself the question “what do I really want?”. It sounds simple because it is. Ask yourself this question in relation to different areas of your life such as: Health Wealth Relationships Material things Spirituality Self-esteem Skills There are other facets of your life that you can include here. When you ask the question of yourself, focus on it completely until you start to receive answers in your head. Some of these answers will come from your conscious mind and some from your subconscious mind. Write everything down. Do not make any judgments here. What do you want the most? Once you have a list of the things that you desire in your life you need to take a look at each one and imagine how you will feel when you have it. Take your time when you do this and make your feelings as strong as possible. Write your feelings down next to the desire you are assessing. When you have completed this exercise for all of your desires you will be able to identify the ones that you want the most. This is important as you do not want to set too many goals and try to achieve too many things at once. Choose the desires with the strongest feelings associated with them and turn these into your goals. Use the SMART Goal Setting Process Write your goals using the SMART process which stands for: Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Timed There is plenty of information and examples of this online. Do your homework here so that you set the most effective goals. Use Affirmations to Support your Goals Examine each of the goals that you have set and identify the changes that you will need to make to achieve them. Are there any current weaknesses that you have that will prevent you from achieving your goals? Create a list of these weaknesses and then write positive affirmations around each of them so that you can make the necessary changes that you need. By reciting your affirmations regularly you will start to see improvements in different areas of your life that will help you to achieve all of your goals. Manifest in the Midwest
You Need To Create A Plan To Achieve Your Goal
We always encourage people to think big when they are deciding on their goals. It is best not to concern yourself about how you will achieve a goal while you are deciding what you want. This is because you may experience negative thoughts and this can put you offsetting the goal in the first place. Once your goal is set and you have written it down and added emotion to it by thinking about why you really want it then it is time to create your plan. If you have set yourself a challenging goal to earn a lot more money for example it is now time to think about how you are going to do this. You don’t need all of the Answers right now If you have a challenge in front of you like a goal it is easy to become overwhelmed because you don’t know how to achieve it. The best way to avoid this overwhelm is to break the goal down into smaller parts. So if your goal is to make $100,000 in the next year then you need to work out how you are going to do this. There are a couple of obvious things that you can do such as getting a second job or trading your existing job for a higher-paying one. But these are not the only options available to you. There are many people out there making considerable money on side hustles working from home. All they need is a computer and a connection to the Internet. Examples of this are affiliate marketing (you promote other people’s products and services for a commission), setting up your own online store, offering coaching services, and many more. So the first part of your plan needs to be researched based. Today you have so many resources available to you online. Take the time to look at the different opportunities that exist to make the additional money that you need. Just use Google or your favorite search engine to find out more. If you prefer to watch videos then you can go to YouTube and search there. You will find thousands of videos about how you can make money online. Make your Decision and Plan for it After you have been through the research stage you can now create a detailed plan around this. So if you have decided to find a higher paying job what skills are you going to need to land a job like this? If you want to create an online business that you can work on from home then what do you need to learn in order to achieve this? Do you need a website? Do you need to create videos? How will you get visitors that are interested in what you have to offer that can turn into customers? Create a Daily Plan Taking action to achieve your goal is the best thing to do. This builds momentum every day and you will be surprised by the progress that you make. So you want to break your plan down into small actions that you can take each day. Your Plan will never be Perfect Accept that your plan will never be perfect and that you will need to review it and adjust it regularly. This is the same for everyone. If you know exactly how to achieve your goal then it is not challenging enough! Manifest in the Midwest
How To Set Goals That Will Inspire You To Achieve Them
There are many experts out there who will tell you to set goals in specific ways. The issue is that you need to set your goals in the best way that will work for you. Achieving challenging goals is not easy and if your goals do not inspire you then you will not achieve them. SMART Goals When you are setting goals you need to be as specific as possible. It is no use writing “I want to earn more money in the next 12 months”. What does that mean? If you earn 50 cents more than you did last year does that mean that you achieved your goal? Technically yes it does! The same goes for losing weight or getting fitter. Just writing a goal to lose weight is meaningless. So is a goal to “get fitter”. There are no specifics here and the goal is not challenging because of this. We recommend that you use the SMART goal-setting process. This is an acronym that stands for: Specific You need to be as specific as possible with all of your goals. So change “I want to earn more money next year” to “I will earn $100,000 in the next 12 months”. The same goes for losing weight. “I will lose weight next year” is useless so change it to “I will lose 60 pounds in the next 12 months” for example. Measurable By being more specific with your goals you will be able to measure your progress. It is pointless embarking on any goal that you cannot measure. A goal that states “I want to be more intelligent” is going to be very difficult to measure. But “I want to improve my IQ to 140” is definitely measurable. Actionable When you set goals they need to be actionable. A goal that relies on someone else doing something first or something else happening is not an actionable goal. A goal needs to be in your control – you can work on it each day without having to rely on external factors. Realistic We do not want to stifle your creativity and free mind here. But if you are in your mid-fifties and somewhat overweight having a goal to be the next world tennis champion is not realistic no matter how good of a tennis player you are. Make all of your goals realistic. Not too easy to achieve but something that you can actually do. Time A goal without a time frame is useless. “I will earn $100,000” and “I will lose 60 pounds” will never be achieved. You must add a time frame so that the goal is challenging for you. Without this, you can be working on your goal for an entire lifetime. Adding Spice to your Goals The SMART goal-setting process is logical and makes a lot of sense but on its own, it will not push you to achieve your goals. You need to add “spice” to your goals so that you will jump out of bed each morning and be inspired to achieve them. The best way to do this is to add emotion to every goal. Decide on the real reason that you want more money or want to be in better shape. Think about how this will make you feel and use these feelings to inspire you every day. Manifest in the Midwest
20 ways to manage anxiety (that you can start from home, today)
Learning to manage anxiety has never been more important. I read somewhere recently that Google searches for anxiety relief were up 800%. It’s clear the pandemic is taking its toll on mental health and emotional wellbeing. Add to that the daily drama of politics, your family dynamics, economic uncertainty, fears of your future, and how to get dinner on the table when going to the grocery store has become a major health hazard, and you’ve got one potent, anxious mix. I’m not suggesting that anxiety will go away with these activities – or even that it should. Anxiety occurs when we lean into change. It is a necessary component of growth. But you can mitigate the effects of anxiety by paying attention to what you can reasonably tolerate and learning to titrate your experience. Here are 20 ways to help you manage anxiety: Go take a hike! Find a lake in your neighborhood and go walk around it… Bonus points if you bring a friend. Listen to an audiobook…one that you would be too intimidated to tackle in hardback. Better yet share a book with someone and take turns reading to each other, either live or on the phone. Make a pot of herbal tea with calming herbs such as passionflower, hops, skullcap, camomile, lavender, lemon balm, or kava kava. Fill your house with plants! Nature heals …so when you are cooped up inside, bring nature indoors. Take your journal somewhere quiet with a view and write using these writing prompts. Join or create a weekly or monthly online support group with 3 of your besties. Offer to bring someone dinner – an elderly neighbor or stressed-out mother. Generosity is one of the best ways to get out of our own drama. Get a new cookbook and learn 3 new recipes that will help you clean up your diet. Try going sugar-free for a week. Recommit to daily meditation practice. Find a series of audio-guided meditations that will renew your enthusiasm and help you go to a deeper level with your meditation. Get on your bike. Ride to the park and bring your lunch. If it’s cold bundle up like you are going skiing. Brainstorm new ways to develop or even make a living using your creativity. Get a notebook designated only for this and make notes in it daily. Keep a journal to download whatever emotional baggage you need to release. Make sure at the end of each entry you practice identifying at least one thing you are grateful for. Keep in touch with old friends or renew old friendships. Take naps! Make deep rest a part of your daily practice. Doodle or draw. Make a set of small blank cards by cutting up a piece of watercolor paper. Keep a stack of markers, colored pencils, or watercolors next to your desk. Get them out when you are on the phone or on a zoom call. Studies have shown that doodling actually helps increase our listening retention. Create a sleep ritual. Set a bedtime and stick to it. Create a nightly routine that helps prepare the mind and body for sleep. Take a warm bath with soothing essential oils. Drink a cup of calming tea and put your dream journal on your nightstand so you can write down your dreams first thing when you wake up. Put your phone in the other room. Listen to soothing music. Try a music app to discover new playlists and musical genres…like “music for sleep”, “binaural beats” or “Nepal meditations”. Discover all the virtual art exhibits online these days. Make a weekly “artist date” with yourself. Watch an indie movie or an old classic….something from another era or culture, preferably without violence. I love Mubi.com these days. They upload a new movie each day. Organize a closet or drawer and make a donation to the local homeless shelter.
Managing Anxiety When You’re a People-Pleaser and Perfectionist
For years, I was a people-pleaser, perfectionist, and never felt good enough. I focused on making others happy, avoiding failure and criticism, and constantly tried to prove my worth. I was also riddled with anxiety. Perhaps you can relate. In this article, we’ll explore the connection between anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism. And I’ll offer some tips for managing anxiety when you’re a people-pleaser and perfectionist. People-pleasers and perfectionists often struggle with anxiety People-pleasers and perfectionists often struggle with anxiety. We frequently worry. Our worry is excessive and out of control; we can’t shut it off. Our bodies also get stressed: Insomnia, muscle tension, rapid heart rate, fatigue, gastrointestinal issues, sweating, and headaches are all common physical symptoms of anxiety. Why do people-pleasers and perfectionists feel anxious? We’re anxious because we think we’re inadequate, defective, and unlovable – and we’re afraid others already know this or will find out. We’re afraid we’ll be criticized, embarrassed, rejected, or abandoned. So, we play it safe. We stick to what we’re good at. We work hard (sometimes to excess). We try to be agreeable. We stuff our feelings, needs, and opinions (especially if we think they’re disagreeable or inconvenient). Criticism and rejection are painful experiences for anyone, but we feel them especially deeply. This is usually because we’ve already been criticized or rejected and we’re afraid we will be again. Or you may have been told that you’d be rejected or abandoned if you were difficult, disagreeable, opinionated, needy, imperfect, etc. Essentially, we’ve been conditioned to be hypersensitive to the possibility of being criticized, rejected, or abandoned. We’re perpetually anxious and afraid of criticism and rejection, which leads to our people-pleasing and perfectionistic behaviors. People-pleasing and perfectionism are coping skills to manage anxiety We try to manage our anxiety by: Being passive Shutting down our feelings Avoiding conflicts Ignoring our needs Saying yes to things we don’t want to do Seeking validation from others Enabling and making excuses for other people’s poor choices Working excessively Redoing work until it’s perfect Procrastinating Playing it safe, not taking chances Not pursuing our interests and goals Staying in unfulfilling relationships These are all ways we try to feel safe from criticism, rejection, and abandonment. And conversely, we feel anxious when we express our ideas or needs, set boundaries, rest, practice self-care, let others experience the negative consequences of their actions, or try something new. Just like everyone else, we want to be loved, accepted, and feel like we belong. But, unfortunately, we learned that we aren’t good enough as we are, so we’re constantly working to prove our worth and keep others happy. Are you ready to change your people-pleasing and perfectionist behaviors? Managing anxiety when you’re a people pleaser and perfectionist There are many effective approaches to manage and decrease anxiety. Below are a few strategies that you may find helpful. Most people use a combination of approaches. Journaling is a way to process your thoughts and feelings and provides a “holding place” for your worries and uncomfortable feelings. Breathing exercises are calming because when you slow down your breathing, you take more oxygen into your body and slow your heart rate. When you’re anxious your breathing is often shallow and quick. Focusing on counting slow, deep breaths also serves as a basic mindfulness exercise that takes your mind off your fear and worries and puts it onto your breathing. Spending time in nature also has calming benefits and can reduce blood pressure and stress hormones, anxiety, and depression. Read more from Harvard Health. Physical exercise helps your body rid itself of stress hormones, can reduce muscle tension, and be a positive form of distraction. Meditation can help you slow down, stay present-focused, and quiet your overactive mind. There are thousands of free apps and YouTube videos that you can use to get started. Calm and Insight Timer is a popular app that you might try. Accepting your anxiety. It’s normal to want to push your anxiety away but denying it and trying to pretend you’re not anxious doesn’t work. Although your anxiety isn’t helpful, it’s trying to protect you. Try accepting it by saying, “I’m feeling anxious right now. I know that this feeling will pass and that I can cope with it.” Challenging catastrophic thoughts, irrational fears. You can also reduce anxiety by learning to change the negative thoughts that contribute to your worries and fears. The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism is a great resource for learning cognitive behavioral skills such as these. Therapy provides support and additional tools for managing anxiety. A physician may prescribe anti-anxiety medication, if appropriate. Managing anxiety when you’re a people-pleaser and perfectionist isn’t easy. You may find yourself reverting to people-pleasing and perfectionist behaviors because they’re old habits and temporarily relieve your anxiety. But don’t lose hope! With a combination of lifestyle changes, self-help strategies, and professional help, most people can get relief from their anxiety.
