I cried today, like absolutely bawling my eyes out cried today, in front of my kids, on the phone with my ex-husband. It was raw, honest, and exactly what I need to solidify my choices to shore up my boundaries against my very toxic narcissistic mother.
What is Narcissism?
The DSM-5 defines narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
- Believes that they are “special” and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with their expectations).
- It is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their ends.
- Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
- She is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
The diagnosis of NPD as other personality disorders requires evaluation of long-term patterns of functioning.
Subtypes
While the DSM-5 regards narcissistic personality disorder as a homogeneous syndrome, there is evidence for variations in its expression. In a 2015 paper by Gabbard and Crisp-Han, there are two significant presentations of narcissism; overt or covert. Those with narcissistic overt “grandiosity” express behavior through interpersonally exploitative acts, lack of empathy, intense envy, aggression, and exhibitionism. Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard described the subtype, which he referred to as the “oblivious” subtype, as being grandiose, arrogant, and thick-skinned. The subtype of narcissistic covert “vulnerability” entails helplessness, emptiness, low self-esteem, and shame, which can be expressed in the behavior as being socially avoidant in situations where their self-presentation is not possible, so they withdraw, or the approval they need/expect is not being met.” Gabbard described this subtype, which he referred to as the “hypervigilant” subtype as being easily hurt, oversensitive, and ashamed. In addition, a “high-functioning” presentation, where there is minor impairment in the areas of life where those with a more severe expression of the disorder typically have difficulties in, is suggested.
The narcissistic mother’s behavior.
Our mothers are the foundation of our first attachment to the world. As infants, we learn by her example how to bond with others. We derive our initial sense of self-worth from how she cares for us, nurtures us, protects and shields us from harm.
A mother’s capacity to provide us with a healthy attachment, tune into our emotions, validate our pain, and meet our basic needs has a fundamental impact on our development, attachment styles, and emotional regulation (Brumariu & Kerns, 2010). When this initial attachment is instead tarnished by psychological violence, it can leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. A parent’s emotional and verbal abuse can hinder our learning, memory, decision-making, and impulse control in adulthood; it can also heighten our risk for anxiety, suicidal ideation, addiction, and depression (Bremner, 2006; Teicher, 2006; Brumariu & Kerns, 2008).
An abusive, narcissistic mother sets up her daughters and sons for inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. Her insatiable need for control, inflated sense of entitlement, stunning lack of empathy, a tendency towards interpersonal exploitation, and constant need for attention overrides the welfare of her children (McBride, 2013).
Not only does the narcissistic mother fail to protect us early on from the terrors of the outside world, but she also becomes the source of our terror. Rather than affection, we are exposed to unhealthy enmeshment, chronic rage, and egregious boundary-breaking. Narcissistic parenting distorts our self-perception; instead of being given the building blocks of healthy self-esteem, we internalize a nagging inner critic and a perpetual sense of self-doubt (Walker, 2013).
The narcissistic mother’s erratic shift in emotions, her ever-conditional love, her constant shaming tactics, and her ruthless comparisons terrorize us, creating a persistent sense of anxiety where safety and security should be.
What toxic parents all have in common is their inability to provide their children with a safe, nurturing, and loving environment. If they are narcissistically abusive, they are without empathy and sometimes even conscience. This type of ruthless behavior has a damaging impact on our early development and the way we navigate the world as adults.
The narcissistic mother engages in the following toxic behaviors:
- She chronically shames her children.
- She sets up damaging comparisons among her children as well as their peers.
- She treats her children as extensions of her.
- She competes with her children, disrupts their transition to adulthood, and crosses sexual boundaries.
- An obsession with the external, at the expense of her child’s needs.
- Engages in horrific boundary-breaking.
- Becomes enraged at any perceived threat to her superiority.
- Emotionally invalidates, guilt-trips, and gaslights her children.
The narcissistic mother has no qualms about using her emotional outbursts to control and manipulate her children, yet when her children express their emotions, she invalidates them completely. She redirects the focus to her needs and guilt-trips her children at every sign of perceived disobedience. She provokes her children and is sadistically pleased when her put-downs and insults have staying power.
Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct.
Narcissistic grandmothers have a much more sinister plan in mind.
These mothers are not capable of loving their grandchildren anymore than their own children. They have learned nothing from past mistakes or behaviors and will do everything in their power to undermine and destroy your relationship with your child.
They don’t understand love. They don’t care how much they emotionally damage their grandchildren. Why would they?
They never cared about their own children, and they see your children as leverage to hurt you.
Narcissistic grandmothers usually go one of two ways.
She will either completely ignore you and your children, or she’ll try to enmesh herself in your life in the most suffocating ways. Either way, she will never be supportive in any way.
A narcissistic grandmother will ignore you because deep down, she isn’t capable of caring:
- She’ll never offer to help if you are sick or injured.
- She won’t offer to take the kids for the weekend.
- She’ll intentionally forget birthdays.
- She won’t call to say ‘hi, how are you or ‘what can I do to help?’
- If your children are very little, they may not have any idea who the strange woman is.
This option is the best, even though it doesn’t feel like it. You want your children to have a loving grandmother, every child deserves to have loving grandparents to spoil them.
But a narcissistic parent?
They don’t even know how to be that kind of grandparent.
A narcissistic grandmother will try to turn your children against you.
This is called grandparent grooming. When a grandparent exhibits behaviors causing a child to lose trust in their parent, that’s abuse.
- She will undermine your authority in front of your children.
- She will attack you in front of your children.
- If your child doesn’t behave the way she wants them to, she’ll turn it into a nightmare for you and your child.
- If you have more than one child, she’ll choose a favorite and a bad one and pit them against each other.
- If you don’t allow her access to her grandchildren, she’ll call the cops, CPS, the paster, and tell anyone who will listen to what a terrible mother you are.
- It’s a known tactic of narcissistic grandmothers to try and take custody of their grandchildren just to hurt their adult child.
- She will go to any length to destroy your success as a mother so she can feel superior.
You don’t know what you’re up against. This is a raging jealous woman who knows she isn’t a good mother deep down, and she will hate you for loving your children. She will despise you for being a good mother.
Transgenerational Trauma and Narcissistic Grandparents
Transgenerational trauma is a psychological concept relating to the transferral of trauma from one generation to the next. At its worst, it can result in disorders like Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD). If your child’s grandparents exhibit narcissistic behavior, your child is potentially at risk of suffering trauma and continuing the cycle of pain and abuse.
While transgenerational trauma is a relatively new field of psychological study, it’s a helpful framework for understanding the importance of effectively managing narcissistic grandparents. As your child’s parent, it is your responsibility to break the cycle. Especially in the context of high-conflict separation or divorce, it is critical to protect your child from not only your ex’s negative influence but also the impact of grandparents and other relatives.
A narcissist can’t get any pleasure from happiness.
Seeing someone fail and feel terrible about themselves is the only way they get supply. It’s the only way they have to make themselves feel better. The sole purpose a narcissist has in life is to cause pain and suffering to others.
That’s it.
There is no more to it.
This is the place where my brain stops and has no answers and no solutions other than no contact.
You are not a bad parent for protecting your children from toxic people, no matter who they are.
There is some guilt associated with cutting off a toxic grandparent.
However, the guilt will be a thousand times worse if you allow it to continue. Many women had lost their children before they even realized what was happening, and it’s one of the most profound kinds of pain.
If the narcissistic grandparent succeeds in manipulating their grandchildren, it’s a new level of pain and despair for everyone involved. This month’s topic will be sporting, dealing and healing from the narcissistic person in your life.
Manifest in the Midwest
References
Bremner, J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain.Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience,8(4), 445461.
Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2010). Parentchild attachment and internalizing symptoms in childhood and adolescence: A review of empirical findings and future directions. Development and Psychopathology, 22(01), 177. doi:10.1017/s0954579409990344
Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2008). Motherchild attachment and social anxiety symptoms in middle childhood. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 393-402. doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2008.06.002
Gabbard, G.O. and Crisp-Han, H. (2016), The many faces of narcissism. World Psychiatry, 15: 115-116. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20323
McBride, K. (2013). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. New York: Atria Paperback.
Miller, A. (2008). The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self. New York: BasicBooks.
Teicher, M. (2006). Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various Forms of Childhood Maltreatment. American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(6), 993. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.163.6.993
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote.
