Yes, something large and traumatic is the perfect reason you need to decide it is time to cut off a narcissistic from their supply (you). However, it’s the small pebbles that continually drop that create multiple ripples that affect us for decades. We rationalize the pebbles, “it was a small pebble, they did not mean to drop the pebble, maybe I am being too insensitive to their desires to throw the pebble.”
There are so many times in my life, especially after becoming a mother, I feel this opposite pull to fix the relationship I have with my mother and walk away from the dysfunction. During the summer of 2020, we were invited to visit her vacation park in Branson. We drive down there and stay in a cabin at the park. The first few days were rough; SLW could crawl out of her playpen and had difficulties sleeping from all the drive down there and then waking up extremely early. So SLW wakes up at 6 am the joys of no black-out curtains. SLF and I dealt with her for a few hours at nine. I called SDL he stayed at my parents’ camper to avoid SDW. So he walks over; I tell him to take her for a walk, hang out with her at the park SLF, and I need to nap. We had a very long night with broken sleep.
SDL does but comes back later and drops her off inside, and doesn’t wake us up. I wake up to her dumping a full mc ds large soda into the super cute talking purse I just bought her.
I jump up, I panic, and I yell at her. I called SDL and yelled at him for not letting either of us know she was back. My mother being nosy comes over. We were cleaning up the cabin.
After we finished up, we went outside, and I was working on the tonneau cover, and I could hear my mother on the phone to her mother or her best friend talking trash about this morning. “She is overwhelmed with all those kids, SLW made a huge mess, and she can’t wake up and take care of those kids.”
I went the route of ignoring the jabs, finished fixing the tonneau cover, and proceeded to return the tool I was using. My mother tries to get SLW to talk to her and sit on her lap, and SLW grabs her blanket and covers her face, and stans behind me. My mother says, “Oh, she’s just being a bitch because she got in trouble this morning.”
My brain stutters like a Matrix mistake, and I rapidly blink a few times before my brain can come back online. I am not sure if my mother assumed I did not hear her, so she repeated herself. At this point, I exploded.
“She’s not a bitch shes fucking 2! Maybe the reason I hated myself so fucking much as a child was you calling me a bitch as a child. That the ugly voice inside my head wasn’t because I was a sad and broken child, but it was your voice,”
I pick SLW up and walk back to the cabin. I lay on the bed and started crying. Years of therapy and one slight altercation with my mother make me feel like I am 8 years old again. I call the boy back, and I take them out to dinner to unwind.
From a typical parents’ perspective, when you notice a shy toddler around, you let them lead. SLW hasn’t warmed up to her (calculating the fact that at this point, my mother has seen her for 14 days in SLW’s entire life). My mother wanted to hug and kiss SLW, and she’s shy. SLW’s just in that stage. Trying to pick her up and force the issue is weird and gives me the heebie jeebie feelings.
This story helps illustrate what can happen when adult children try to interact with parents who have a destructive narcissistic pattern.
Not only was I angry, but I also felt ambivalent. I wanted both to stay in Branson to spend the very far time I have with my mother and tell her to go to hell. I have many conflicting feelings, chief of which seemed to be hurt. There are many other examples of relationships and interactions with a destructive narcissistic parent.
In research from Brown (2020), “These experiences can only capture a small part of the feelings experienced when interacting with a parent who has a destructive narcissistic pattern. So much of what this parent does can be minimized by outsiders and excused as isolated events.” (p. 3). Even retelling the story, I can feel the shame for not being a supermom; I should have been able to stay up all night with SLW and wake up at 6 with her as well. I should have heard SDL drop her off. I shouldn’t have lost my cool with a toddler. I shouldn’t have lost my cool with my mother. I should have gracefully and calmly explained to her that toddlers grow through periods of shyness. It had no bearing on their potential relationship, all those feelings of inadequacy rearing their ugly head.
Brown (2020), “Reacting from a lifetime of interacting with their destructive narcissistic parents. As adults, even the most casual interaction with the parents can cause hurt, anger, and feelings of helplessness and impotence. No matter how these “adult children” try to fortify themselves, even anticipating interactions with the parent produces distress.” (p. 4).
According to Cori (2021), “The basic feeling left by a narcissistic mother is I must not be good enough, which results from her criticism and her need always to outshine you.” (p. 89).
Narcissistic mothers are confusing because, unlike the most emotionally shut-down mothers, they can be caring and supportive when they’re not threatened, especially when children are young. When someone denies your reality, it is very destabilizing—and narcissistic, borderline, and dissociative mothers can all respond with “that didn’t happen.” They may even lie. Unless you are confident in your perceptions, you can begin to doubt your reality, which deeply undermines your sense of self (Cori, 2021, p. 90).
When I finally put my foot down, that it’s just time to heal truly. There is encouragement and flake received from friends and family. “But she is your mother.” True. “I understand why you have to do this.” I have concluded individuals who have had interactions with poisonous people and broke free understand your need to protect yourself. Those who have either had interactions with poisonous individuals and continued the relationship or individuals who have been fortunate not to have dealings with poisonous people find the act of cutting off people bizarre.
Manifest in the Midwest
References
Brown, N. (2020). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents (Third Edition, Revised ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
Cori, J. L. (2021). The Emotionally Absent Mother Publisher: Experiment, The. The Experiment.
