20 ways to manage anxiety (that you can start from home, today)
Learning to manage anxiety has never been more important. I read somewhere recently that Google searches for anxiety relief were up 800%. It’s clear the pandemic is taking its toll on mental health and emotional wellbeing. Add to that the daily drama of politics, your family dynamics, economic uncertainty, fears of your future, and how to get dinner on the table when going to the grocery store has become a major health hazard, and you’ve got one potent, anxious mix. I’m not suggesting that anxiety will go away with these activities – or even that it should. Anxiety occurs when we lean into change. It is a necessary component of growth. But you can mitigate the effects of anxiety by paying attention to what you can reasonably tolerate and learning to titrate your experience. Here are 20 ways to help you manage anxiety: Go take a hike! Find a lake in your neighborhood and go walk around it… Bonus points if you bring a friend. Listen to an audiobook…one that you would be too intimidated to tackle in hardback. Better yet share a book with someone and take turns reading to each other, either live or on the phone. Make a pot of herbal tea with calming herbs such as passionflower, hops, skullcap, camomile, lavender, lemon balm, or kava kava. Fill your house with plants! Nature heals …so when you are cooped up inside, bring nature indoors. Take your journal somewhere quiet with a view and write using these writing prompts. Join or create a weekly or monthly online support group with 3 of your besties. Offer to bring someone dinner – an elderly neighbor or stressed-out mother. Generosity is one of the best ways to get out of our own drama. Get a new cookbook and learn 3 new recipes that will help you clean up your diet. Try going sugar-free for a week. Recommit to daily meditation practice. Find a series of audio-guided meditations that will renew your enthusiasm and help you go to a deeper level with your meditation. Get on your bike. Ride to the park and bring your lunch. If it’s cold bundle up like you are going skiing. Brainstorm new ways to develop or even make a living using your creativity. Get a notebook designated only for this and make notes in it daily. Keep a journal to download whatever emotional baggage you need to release. Make sure at the end of each entry you practice identifying at least one thing you are grateful for. Keep in touch with old friends or renew old friendships. Take naps! Make deep rest a part of your daily practice. Doodle or draw. Make a set of small blank cards by cutting up a piece of watercolor paper. Keep a stack of markers, colored pencils, or watercolors next to your desk. Get them out when you are on the phone or on a zoom call. Studies have shown that doodling actually helps increase our listening retention. Create a sleep ritual. Set a bedtime and stick to it. Create a nightly routine that helps prepare the mind and body for sleep. Take a warm bath with soothing essential oils. Drink a cup of calming tea and put your dream journal on your nightstand so you can write down your dreams first thing when you wake up. Put your phone in the other room. Listen to soothing music. Try a music app to discover new playlists and musical genres…like “music for sleep”, “binaural beats” or “Nepal meditations”. Discover all the virtual art exhibits online these days. Make a weekly “artist date” with yourself. Watch an indie movie or an old classic….something from another era or culture, preferably without violence. I love Mubi.com these days. They upload a new movie each day. Organize a closet or drawer and make a donation to the local homeless shelter.
Managing Anxiety When You’re a People-Pleaser and Perfectionist
For years, I was a people-pleaser, perfectionist, and never felt good enough. I focused on making others happy, avoiding failure and criticism, and constantly tried to prove my worth. I was also riddled with anxiety. Perhaps you can relate. In this article, we’ll explore the connection between anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism. And I’ll offer some tips for managing anxiety when you’re a people-pleaser and perfectionist. People-pleasers and perfectionists often struggle with anxiety People-pleasers and perfectionists often struggle with anxiety. We frequently worry. Our worry is excessive and out of control; we can’t shut it off. Our bodies also get stressed: Insomnia, muscle tension, rapid heart rate, fatigue, gastrointestinal issues, sweating, and headaches are all common physical symptoms of anxiety. Why do people-pleasers and perfectionists feel anxious? We’re anxious because we think we’re inadequate, defective, and unlovable – and we’re afraid others already know this or will find out. We’re afraid we’ll be criticized, embarrassed, rejected, or abandoned. So, we play it safe. We stick to what we’re good at. We work hard (sometimes to excess). We try to be agreeable. We stuff our feelings, needs, and opinions (especially if we think they’re disagreeable or inconvenient). Criticism and rejection are painful experiences for anyone, but we feel them especially deeply. This is usually because we’ve already been criticized or rejected and we’re afraid we will be again. Or you may have been told that you’d be rejected or abandoned if you were difficult, disagreeable, opinionated, needy, imperfect, etc. Essentially, we’ve been conditioned to be hypersensitive to the possibility of being criticized, rejected, or abandoned. We’re perpetually anxious and afraid of criticism and rejection, which leads to our people-pleasing and perfectionistic behaviors. People-pleasing and perfectionism are coping skills to manage anxiety We try to manage our anxiety by: Being passive Shutting down our feelings Avoiding conflicts Ignoring our needs Saying yes to things we don’t want to do Seeking validation from others Enabling and making excuses for other people’s poor choices Working excessively Redoing work until it’s perfect Procrastinating Playing it safe, not taking chances Not pursuing our interests and goals Staying in unfulfilling relationships These are all ways we try to feel safe from criticism, rejection, and abandonment. And conversely, we feel anxious when we express our ideas or needs, set boundaries, rest, practice self-care, let others experience the negative consequences of their actions, or try something new. Just like everyone else, we want to be loved, accepted, and feel like we belong. But, unfortunately, we learned that we aren’t good enough as we are, so we’re constantly working to prove our worth and keep others happy. Are you ready to change your people-pleasing and perfectionist behaviors? Managing anxiety when you’re a people pleaser and perfectionist There are many effective approaches to manage and decrease anxiety. Below are a few strategies that you may find helpful. Most people use a combination of approaches. Journaling is a way to process your thoughts and feelings and provides a “holding place” for your worries and uncomfortable feelings. Breathing exercises are calming because when you slow down your breathing, you take more oxygen into your body and slow your heart rate. When you’re anxious your breathing is often shallow and quick. Focusing on counting slow, deep breaths also serves as a basic mindfulness exercise that takes your mind off your fear and worries and puts it onto your breathing. Spending time in nature also has calming benefits and can reduce blood pressure and stress hormones, anxiety, and depression. Read more from Harvard Health. Physical exercise helps your body rid itself of stress hormones, can reduce muscle tension, and be a positive form of distraction. Meditation can help you slow down, stay present-focused, and quiet your overactive mind. There are thousands of free apps and YouTube videos that you can use to get started. Calm and Insight Timer is a popular app that you might try. Accepting your anxiety. It’s normal to want to push your anxiety away but denying it and trying to pretend you’re not anxious doesn’t work. Although your anxiety isn’t helpful, it’s trying to protect you. Try accepting it by saying, “I’m feeling anxious right now. I know that this feeling will pass and that I can cope with it.” Challenging catastrophic thoughts, irrational fears. You can also reduce anxiety by learning to change the negative thoughts that contribute to your worries and fears. The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism is a great resource for learning cognitive behavioral skills such as these. Therapy provides support and additional tools for managing anxiety. A physician may prescribe anti-anxiety medication, if appropriate. Managing anxiety when you’re a people-pleaser and perfectionist isn’t easy. You may find yourself reverting to people-pleasing and perfectionist behaviors because they’re old habits and temporarily relieve your anxiety. But don’t lose hope! With a combination of lifestyle changes, self-help strategies, and professional help, most people can get relief from their anxiety.
How to Support Your Partner or Children with Anxiety: 5 Things to Try
If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic, or excessive worry, then it may be challenging for you to know how to support people in your life when they do. Being someone that has had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life, it can be challenging to feel understood. Even having an ability to understand GAD from a clinical standpoint, it can still be difficult to explain my experience or know-how to self-soothe at times. Compound this with my oldest child showing signs of GAD, I struggle to make him feel understood and help him find behaviors to release those feelings. I think it is important for people to understand that anxiety and anxiety disorders can have an impact on anyone. Anxiety is complex and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all remedy or “fix.” People that experience debilitating anxiety may tell you they feel insecure or ashamed. “I would try to hide my anxiety because I was so embarrassed for being stressed out about dying. I’d notice a new birthmark and would immediately dwell and google skin cancer for days. I was convinced in my fear-stricken state that I was dying, yet my rational brain would often say, ‘You’re fine…’ It was almost as if I couldn’t trust which voice to listen to, so I just kept searching online for reassurance until I was so physically and emotionally upset that I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until then that my partner really started to understand how complex and heavy my anxiety really could become. I was so afraid he would minimize my experience and tell me how stupid I was; I didn’t know how to ask for support, let alone confront him with my fears, so I would often just close him off and then we would get into an argument.” This is an example of health anxiety, which many researchers think close to 15% of the population may struggle with this particular disorder. Someone struggling with health anxiety is often misunderstood and can be dismissed by others around them, including doctors or professionals. Social anxiety is also very common and many people mask their symptoms by engaging in alcohol or recreational drugs to soothe their fears. This can lead to arguments and misunderstandings. It is easy to make assumptions that they are just being shy, closed off, or awkward; maybe they have a drinking problem or they are socially rude. It is important to understand the root cause, because these may be signs that link to anxiety management instead. If your partner or children are struggling with anxiety and you don’t quite understand how to support them, please try these tips: Tip #1 Don’t (ever) tell them to “calm down,” “chill out,” or “don’t worry about it.” Although the intent may be supportive, it comes across insensitive and dismissive for the partner struggling with soothing their nervous system and intrusive thoughts. It may seem counterintuitive but try validating their anxiety instead. Validating their anxiety can actually help them put a name to their experience, while also helping them feel understood. “You’re feeling anxious… It’s ok. I’m here.” Tip #2 When they are not feeling anxious, try to understand what their anxiety is like for them. Ask questions like, “What does it feel like in your body?” “What thoughts do you have when you’re anxious?” or “Do you know what triggers it for you?” or “What helps you when you’re feeling that way?” Tip #3 During an anxiety attack, remind them to breathe. Deep and long inhales/exhales are incredibly helpful for their nervous system to calm and can distract their mind from continued panic. Tip #4 If your partner or children have a particular diagnosis, educate yourself on it. By researching what anxiety is, it can be more helpful for you to understand the symptoms from a more objective place. Tip #5 Support them in seeking professional help if they aren’t seeing someone already. Friendly Reminder- Anxiety is not always a rational train of thoughts and emotions. Please give them some grace and always try to exercise compassion. It may be hard to relate to and understand anxiety personally, (or rationally), but the more compassion you can express, the more they will feel comforted.
Anxiety, the thief of mental peace
And what about the feelings that this state suggests to you? Have you found yourself thinking and projecting something that is just about to happen but doesn’t depend on you to change the course of its direction? Have you realized that you can lose focus on the present because your mind is projecting a future that does not happen yet? Quite often, being anxious is an unconscious state, but if we become aware of how much energy we spend on this state of being, we can re-directed our attention for what really matters: the present. And aware of this present, where everything happens, we can control our attention to performing what really depends on us to achieve the desired goal. The process isn’t simple, but it is possible, and this is the challenge that Coaching intends to support you to overcome. If we do not have control over our thoughts, our mind can bring us to a state of restlessness where we don’t explore most of our potentialities. To address your attention for what is really important to you is one of the benefits of a coaching relationship. Furthermore, Coaching offers you a space to grow and to reflect on your priorities. By ourselves is quite hard to separate enough time to translate all of our dreams and aspirations into practical action, even because while we don’t express those thoughts, they are just ideas in our minds. To understand more about this phenomenon of self-realization, we need to talk, verbalize and share those ideas to allow them to become real possibilities. Therefore, this professional interaction will help you organize your ideas, considering your reality and available resources, to create an action plan that will inspire you to create a positive attitude towards your goals. Finally, you will realize that the same energy you spent being anxious you can now spend being productive. Cognitive Behavior Approach to Recognizing Destructive Patterns I want to borrow from the cognitive-behavioral classification of negative thought/emotional patterns because these categories are easily recognizable in both anxiety and depression. Recognition of your habitual patterns is a key factor in learning how to face anxiety and depression consciously. These habitual reactions and thought patterns include: Polarized Thinking all-or-nothing thinking: viewing the world in absolute, black-and-white terms often associated terrible childhoods, e.g., unloving or otherwise abusive parents Filtering disqualifying the positive: rejecting positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason often associated with negative mothers Automatic negative reactions having habitual, scolding thoughts parents who constantly scolded or judged Catastrophizing magnifying or minimizing the importance of an event: making a bigger deal about a specific event or moment repeated exposure to disappointment by a trusted caregiver Over-generalization drawing overly broad conclusions from a single event Personalization taking things too personally or feeling actions are specifically directed at you Jumping to conclusions immediately judging a situation without reflection Control fallacies external control fallacy: we are helpless victims (I can’t help it! syndrome) internal control fallacy: we are responsible for how others feel (did I do something wrong? syndrome) childhood and family relationship issues Fairness fallacies judging everything in terms of fairness childhood and family relationship issues Blaming holding others responsible for how we feel about ourselves never feeling loved by primary caregivers Shoulds imposing our particular rules on others terrible injustices suffered as a child Emotional Reasoning buying into what you feel about reality when it may not be the truth about reality: I feel stupid, so I am stupid. They didn’t invite me because they hate me. lack of development in the thinking function Global Labeling generalizing a few qualities into a global, hyper-emotionally charged negative judgment: someone you don’t like is automatically a jerk Always being right striving to prove you are right/getting the last word Reward/Punishment expecting sacrifice and denial to payoff or scorekeeping unresolved religious conflicts Shift That Anxiety It has become prevalent for women to suffer from an anxiety disorder at some point in their life. Sometimes it can be situational: your husband loses his job, you get downsized, your child goes off to college, or your real estate business has been affected by the economic crisis. Some women suffer from panic attacks that are unprovoked and occur for no particular reason. Other women have generalized anxiety because of their mindset. They see the glass as half empty, or they are waiting for the other shoe to fall. Are you the type of person who lets fears and anxieties permeate your existence? Maybe your life is going well, but you worry too much to be able to enjoy it. Perhaps your past keeps you from living in the moment and enjoying the here and now. Regardless of the type of anxiety that you might suffer from….you can utilize some skills that will assist you in managing it. How do you reduce it? Well, you may not know this, but it is impossible to have 2 simultaneous thoughts at the same time. Therefore you can learn to shift your anxiety with an alternative and balanced thought, greatly reducing it. I worked with a young mother who feared for her daughter’s health. She constantly fretted that her daughter would become ill because she was exposed to other children’s germs. She created a more realistic thought that reminded her that the germs would strengthen her immune system. This greatly reduced the anxiety. These next 7 mindset shifts will give you an understanding that even though life isn’t always fair, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still be happy. 1. Accept That Life is a Challenge I’m going, being honest…life is challenging — being an adult is far from being easy. This is a fact that we have to face our reality and learn how to adjust to it. Once I started to really (REALLY) comprehend and accept this reality, my anxiety triggers diminished. Before, I used to ask myself “why” all the time. “Why” is this happening to me? “Why” can’t things be different? “Why” does life
Meditation For Minds That Never Slow
I ask my oldest son all the time (when he is quiet, & he is quiet a lot of the time) “What are you thinking honey?” and he always says, “nothing”. Which prompts me to say “Like nothing? You aren’t having any thoughts?” With the normal response being “No, not really.” So, this blog isn’t for people like my son, Shaderek who is apparently meditating all the time. This blog is for that person who: a. always has something on their mind, b. who’s mind rapidly changes focus, c. for someone who gets started on one thing which triggers another thing and another d. and sometimes can feel overwhelmed by all of the things they have to do and just can’t seem to get everything (and sometimes anything done). NOW FAR WARNING: I am not a guru! I am not a yogi, and I don’t have all the answers to meditation. I am also the kind of person when told to “focus on my breathing”, I feel like I can’t breathe or just can’t catch my breath. So here is one technique that has helped me a great deal. This mediation is perfect for the person who has tried traditional meditation (focused breathing, quiet, eyes shut, sitting or lying down) and HATES it. Step 1. Head to a window with a nice view (no I am not going to tell you to jump out of it) and focus on something outside that attracts your attention. (You can do this outside as well but I find from indoors the environment is more controlled and less likely to pull your focus away.) Step 2. For a count of four (4) breathe in through your nose. Now the key to this is, the four (4) count is at your own pace. It could be 1234, or 1 2 3 4, or 1&2&3&4 whatever you feel most comfortable with. Step 3. For a count of four (4) exhale through your mouth. And again the key is to let this happen with a cadence that feels comfortable. Step 4. Speak 1 phrase about something in your day that is positive. Examples: “Lovely snow is falling outside and making the trees look beautiful.” “I get to drive my car with the music blaring on my way to work.” “I am excited about the meal I will be cooking tonight when I get home.” Most of these examples could have a negative response to them such as: Examples: “God it’s snowing again”, “uhhhh I have to go to work today”, “I have no idea what I am going to make for dinner”. With this exercise, we are trying to find something about the day and its tasks we can be positive about. Now the key is not “faking until you make it”, the key is trying to focus on an aspect of the task that you can feel gratitude in or happy about. We aren’t trying to lie to ourselves by saying: Examples: I love snow. It’s the best. I love going to work. I love cooking it is my favorite thing. if they (the statements above) are untrue. Step 5: Repeat steps two through 4 (2-4) for a minimum of 10 times, or up to 15 minutes. Meditation works differently for everyone, but the benefits are great. It helps you focus, it lifts your vibration, it helps you problem solve, and it puts you in a better state to handle stress. I’d love for you to try this technique out for a week or so and then get back to me with your results. Manifest in the Midwest
Growth Mindset: How to Start and End Your Day With Purpose
The Morning Miracle Much has also been saying about the significance of our morning routine. How we start the day will set the tone for the rest. It has been given special significance in many esoteric texts, especially in Ayurveda and Zen Buddhism schools. If we get our mornings right, it will set us up psychologically until the night. How you execute your morning routine is up to you. A suggested routine could be to make your bed, shower, meditate, and sit mindfully with an herbal tea before going to work. Depending on your available time, you could also consider essential oils, self-massage, yoga, affirmations, and/or visualization. Another significant point with the morning is the time period immediately upon waking. This provides a golden opportunity to mix the dreaming and waking state with a better ability to manifest and program your subconscious. Your brain waves are lower, and you will be a more receptive mentality. The same applies when you are going to sleep. If you are looking for ways to fast-track growth, then these are the best two opportunities. What you do in the external environment comes secondary. Night Time Optimization How well you sleep will determine your performance throughout the day, as well as determining how efficiently you complete your morning routine. Your morning actually starts the night before in many respects. There are many ways to optimize your sleep. As above, you should try to focus on what you want when falling to sleep. It would help if you made your room as comfortable as possible. This is largely an individual process. You might do well in a cool environment with blue colors and a completely blacked-out room for optimal sleep (many people do well with these three components in terms of sleep quality). Refocus on what you want to achieve in the morning and evening and what makes you feel good. Experiment with diet and exercise so that you can rest peacefully and minimize electronic appliances and WiFi signals in your bedroom. “Don’t go through life, grow through life.” – Eric Butterworth Focus on Yourself If you want to focus on growth, then you need to put your needs and experiences first. This even means putting yourself first before your own goals, if that makes sense. If you are stressed about your goals, then something is wrong. Use the tools above (massage, meditation, exercise, yoga, essential oils, martial arts, creative writing, singing, etc.) to put yourself into a state of bliss and relaxation. Then you will see how straightforward it is actually to complete the tasks you need to get done. Remember that you are the one that needs to achieve everything. You can’t do it if you are upset or stressed out. It sounds paradoxical, but the more at ease and relaxed you are, the more you will get done. So remember to put yourself first. You will see and understand different and easier ways of doing things. Otherwise, you will find yourself doing routine and mundane tasks all the time in the name of ‘progress. These tasks will never end. Remember that creativity and optimism are also required to take yourself to the next level of mastery. There is no way that you can establish anything worthwhile while in a fixed mindset of lack and simply following on from the inventions of others. It would be best to do everything you can to expand your creativity and believe that anything is possible. Continuously Learning If a growth mindset means that you are constantly improving yourself, then continuing to learn new things, skills or hobbies is one way to keep up with yourself. Thankfully there are tons of options available to us nowadays. Whether reading every day, listening to podcasts, webinars, or taking classes, there are endless ways to learn something new each day. Many entrepreneurs and business owners swear reading a book a week is how they stay sharp. Being open to new ideas and skills can also help you stay inspired, puts things into perspective, and even help push you out of your comfort zone. Learning new things is the epitome of a growth mindset. It is a testament to how hard work and dedication can transform your life, as long as you are willing to put the work in. That’s why learning new things is a must-have habit for anyone looking to create a growth mindset. Manifest in the Midwest
What is a Growth Mindset?
Getting out of a fixed mindset can be difficult. Over time, people learn certain habits or patterns of beliefs that are tied into specific experiences that are often painful. These experiences compound until the person becomes convinced that life is just the way it is and you have to make the most of it. In fact, you will find that many people have little personal mantras or ways of looking at the world. They might say that “life is a battleground” or “work hard play hard.” These idioms have little to do with the way that the world is and everything to do with the unique mindset of the individual. Either way, the person needs to adopt strategies that will help them out of a very fixed way of looking at the world. Growth Mindset Dr. Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, brought us the concept of the growth mindset. In her research, she discovered the impact of having a “fixed” versus “growth” mindset. Dr. Dweck summarizes her findings as follows: “Individuals who believe their talents can be developed (through hard work, good strategies, and input from others) have a growth mindset. They tend to achieve more than those with a fixed mindset…” Because of that, it is important to explore how one can journal to increase growth mindset. Imagine what would be possible for you if you had an ingrained belief that you could grow, change, achieve. And imagine that you coupled that belief with an unrelenting passion and perseverance. I believe half of your success equation would be in place. Further anneal your success with a daily, conscious, deliberate, reflective, experimental, and persistent effort towards achieving your goals. Now, any success that seemed elusive has transformed into a success that is highly attainable. Daily journaling about your goals and how you are investing your time and energy in your priorities, forces you to align with and course-correct as needed in order to do the small daily, weekly, monthly actions that your goals require present every single day. If you still feel ambivalent about investing time to journal, it might help to know the numerous benefits that journaling affords. The benefits of journaling can be: increasing cognitive abilities, increasing mindfulness, goal achievement, increase in emotional intelligence, boosting memory and comprehension, strengthening self-discipline, improving communication skills, healing, exercising creativity, increasing self-confidence, increasing clarity, deeper self-awareness, stress reduction, improvement in problem-solving, and helping with improving relationships. What is a Fixed Mindset? The most common example of a fixed mindset is money. People have certain ideas about what their time is actually worth. And what happens is that other people reflect this idea to them. So the person who values their time at $15 an hour will apply for jobs that reinforce the idea that they are worth $15 an hour. And they will actually self-sabotage jobs that pay them $30 an hour because “they are not worth that.” This phenomenon was documented in a book by entrepreneur and success coach Tim Ferris called The Four Hour Work Week. He noticed that competition was tough at the bottom and medium levels because everybody was fighting it out. It can actually be easier to shoot for high-end jobs once you have the appropriate psychology than working your way up step by step. But it actually gets straightforward in the upper echelons of management because they believe that it is worth every penny even though they often do very little work. This is a reflection of the esoteric principle that the whole universe is a product of the mind. What we believe internally is reflected in us, and we then proceed to believe that this reflection is actually the truth of existence. This has also been demonstrated in the scientific literature to a degree. In advertising, people only notice marketing materials that are relevant to them. Everything else is subconsciously filtered out, as the brain can only handle a limited amount of data. If we don’t change our perspective, we will keep seeing the same information and believing that it is the ‘truth.’ A fixed mindset can be loosely defined as a narrow and precise view of reality where we are sure about certain things. And they are only true because the fixed mindset person believes in them so strongly. How would somebody with a fixed mindset ever change the world with a revolutionary invention? It would not be possible. People of a fixed mindset observe the world as it is. People of a growth mindset create the world as they would like it to be. This is a huge difference. What is a Growth Mindset? A growth mindset focuses on expansion at all times as opposed to trying to preserve the existing situation. While finances are the easiest and most obvious example to give, the concepts of both fixed and growth mindsets apply to relationships, health, creativity, spirituality, and personal happiness. Typically, people can apply a growth mindset to one area of their lives but fail to carry over this into others. But if you grow a company, you can grow a relationship or even spiritual success. You have to take the same principles into a different field. The details will differ, but the foundational ideas for improvement will remain the same. People with a growth mindset are not focused on the past or even with current difficulties. It’s not even that they look for ways to solve problems; they are focused on creative ways to grow that can completely bypass existing issues. It comes down to a question of focusing on lack of focusing on growth. This does not mean that you ignore things that need to get done. You will still attend to specific obligations. But they are less of weight when your focus is on where you are going instead of where you happen to be. A Quick Mindset Quiz Wondering where you fall on the spectrum of growth mindset to fixed mindset? Take a quick quiz
Boundaries and the Sincere Soul Blueprint
The term boundaries is overused and is too limited for the intricate way I wish to convey the separateness, yet relatedness of the true self for purposes of healing self love and self worth. So, today I’m coining a new phrase to help define the self. My new term is the Sincere Soul Blueprint. blue•print bloo͞′prĭnt″ Noun -A contact print of a drawing or other image rendered as white lines on a blue background, especially such a print of an architectural plan or technical drawing. Noun- A mechanical drawing produced by any of various similar photographic processes, such as one that creates blue or black lines on a white background. Noun- A detailed plan of action. At Manifest in the Midwest, we shall use the term “Sincere Soul Blueprint” when talking about the distinction of your true and separate self relative to the rest of the world. The Sincere Soul Blueprint has many attributes, including boundaries, easements (where people can get through), fences and structures. The most important thing to understand is that you own something–you have full 100% rights and use of YOU. You are responsible for yourself and to yourself. You are responsible for guarding yourself, tending to yourself and expanding your territory. When you are born,you became an owner of YOU. When you were born, out of your mother’s womb, you took a breath. That breath automatically gave you inherent worth. This inherent worth comes with it’s own territory. You own this territory, and this is your Sincere Soul Blueprint. I’m using this term for the purpose of healing and recovering self worth and self love. You own yourself. You have rights to yourself. Think of it this way: You are an energetic structure, and you have ownership rights to do with yourself what you need to do to be true to you. Aspects of Your Sincere Soul Your thoughts, feelings Your goals and desires Your skills, talents and abilities Your goals, dreams and visions Your beliefs and opinions Your past experiences Your current experience Your Presence Your values Your empathy Your energy and time Your inner healing The list could go on, but hopefully you’re getting the point. You are separate. Yes, we are all one at the base level, but for purposes of self worth, self esteem and self love, it’s vital that you understand this very tangible quality that you have, which is yourself. Using the idea of a blueprint is a helpful visualization of your existence, potentials and limitations. Your Sincere Soul Blueprint is Who You are Your Sincere Soul is who you are, not who other people want you to be. Your True Self is who you are beneath all the trauma, abuse, false notions, misconceptions, mistakes and wrong turns. Your True Self is always True and can never be destroyed. So long as you have breath in you, you own your True Self. No one has the right to take it away, and only you can allow others to tell you how to execute your rights on your own property, which is you. As the owner of your life, it is your responsibility to tend to your property, which is you. Of course, you are not a literal object, but this is merely an analogy to help you understand that you exist, that you have worth, and that you are equal to any other property out there, because you exist, you have ownership and existence rights. Your Sincere Soul Blueprint is not armor to keep us safe. It’s the blueprint to our being. It means you know yourself so you can stick up for your needs and emotions without feeling guilty. Boundaries are there to guide you and others on what does and doesn’t work for you. It’s the plan for treating yourself with love, care, trust, respect, and knowing your limit. So you can guide others to treat you similarly or they can move along. What Exists on Your Blueprint? – Walls, Boundaries, Property Borders, Fences, Gates – Livestock, Crops – Buildings, Barns, – Ponds, Wooded Areas, Pasture – Wells, Septic – Streets, Roads Your Sincere Soul Blueprint is YOU. And you get to enjoy all the rights inherent to ownership of yourself. You do not have to allow yourself to be run over by weeds. You do not have to allow foxes in to steal the eggs your hens lay. You do not have to let relatives squat in your guest house. Your property is your property and it is your personal responsibility to tend to the items represented by your Sincere Soul Blueprint.
Our Shrinking Boundaries
So let’s talk about how our boundaries shrink by relationship today. Let me set the scene; we decide we need to unwind and head to the local bar. We are having a cold beer and listening to a band. A very drunk man at the bar steps over to our table to talk to you. He starts leaning over our table practically on top of you. This man asks you to dance, and you politely decline. This guy starts getting a little angry and starts talking louder. Telling you, you will dance with him, again, you tell him no thank you. “Well, you’re just a stuck-up bitch. You’re not that hot to be so rude.” He grabs your arm. Trying to pull you from your chair and towards the dance floor. You snake your arm away.” Do not grab me!” We agree that the situation is ruining our evening, so we gather our stuff, pay our tab, and leave the bar. Another example, if you’re more like me while yanking your arm away from them, you start yelling at them, “Are you kidding me? How dare you grab me! If you touch me again, I will beat you to death!” Those are two different reactions, but both are examples of a person interpreting how someone else is treating them—recognizing if the behavior is unwelcome, dangerous, or allowed. You are also declaring that you do not want to be treated that way. There’s a mental pause, and we are stating our boundaries, defending our right to keep our boundaries, to be happy, safe, and protect our physical and psychological well-being. Let’s take a look at why this intoxicated person tripped our boundary lines. This is a stranger. A stranger is stepping into our personal space with them towering over you. When we are in a situation, especially in my example were sitting at a table, and if they are average height and we are lower because we are sitting. With this stranger leaning over us, it becomes a sheer intimidation factor. They’re asking us to do something we do not want to do, and asking us the first time is not an issue. It is when the stranger does not take your answer and move along. It’s an instant statement there you’re either not respected enough to be believed when you make a decision, you don’t know what you want or what’s good for you. So they will override your choice. Or they have more determination and strength to make you do what I want you to do. –Manipulation, controlling, and coercion techniques. Which can all cause compromises to self-confidence, feeling helplessness or shame, and anxiety. “Well, you’re just a bitch”. There we have, name-calling another form of coercion when they’re using bullying, restraining, or trying to dominate you. -You feel guilt that someone thinks that of you in that manner. You second guess your decision that maybe you were too quick to decide. “You’re not that hot.” Another example of bullying used to attack your self-esteem, and self-worth to browbeat you into doing what they want. Because insults, pathetic lines, or thinly veiled psychopath attempts will make people reassess the situation in the strangers’ favor. No! It usually throws up red flags, killing any slight legitimate shot they could have ever had. Grabbing your arm. Bullying, physically trying to force you to do what the stranger wants, and showing their strength to intimidate you further. Strangers My boundaries with a stranger. I will not allow them to step into my space. I will not allow them to try to change my mind using manipulation or bullying techniques. I will not allow them to gaslight my clear and accurate memories. I will not allow them to use name-calling to lower my self-esteem. I will not let someone touch me unpermitted. I will not allow someone to move me without my consent. When my boundaries are broken, I will recognize them, inform the individual, and defend my boundaries by physically giving myself space by stepping away from them a step or two, holding up my hand as a sign of stop, speaking my truth, and confronting them and then physically leave if necessary. We are usually capable of keeping our boundary lines secure and protect our physical and emotional well-being when dealing with strangers. Family When we deal with family members, our boundaries shrink. My mother calls me Piggly Wiggly, an unflattering nickname given to me at birth for my leg rolls. As I push towards 40 and I have never been overweight, I sure have had eating disorders. I have told my mother hundreds of times that I would prefer her not to call me by that nickname. But I will excuse her behavior because my mom is my mom. We allow family members to call us demeaning and shitty nicknames that do bother us. They are not respecting our boundaries. They know by this stage in the game that they are hurtful; they know it bothers you. Any continued use is to bully you and be cruel, and they are hitting you square in the self-worth and self-esteem center. When our children are little, and they are paraded around distant or estranged family members. These family members usually ask for a hug and kiss. Our child recoils, and they shy away. (A clear sign that they are uncomfortable and maybe lack the vocabulary to state their desires not to be touched.) We push them physically towards the strangers and tell them to do it. We are overriding their physical and emotional boundaries because we don’t want to rock the boat. Spouses When we’re dating someone. We can easily get caught up in situations where they call us names when they’re angry. Maybe they make fun of you with the desire to kneecap your self-esteem. They can gaslight your clear memories to again coerce you into second-guessing and lowering your faith in your abilities. These behaviors help with future manipulations.
