Pearls of Frustration
Today I thought I’d share a little on the topic of frustration. As much as I wish I wasn’t “an expert” on this topic (wouldn’t it be nice to never be frustrated??), I guess I might as well make use of this somewhat unpleasant life tool. So what is the purpose of frustration? Many times in my life I’ve asked myself this question and always get the same image flashing through my mind…an oyster. An oyster you ask? Odd, yes, but fitting when you think of it as a metaphoric symbol. Oysters must know something about frustration….at least if all those stories I’ve heard about how pearls are formed are true. Imagine how annoying it must feel to have a harsh little bit of sand poking you…think about what it would be like if it was under your tongue. Awful huh? Yet, that is what leads to those beautiful, very coveted pearls. The Pearl is a beautiful, sought after, and cherished gem amongst many people around the world. It’s the natural result of years of pain and frustration endured by the creature that created it…. the oyster. In it as itself, not a beautiful being, but clearly capable of creating extraordinary things. Now I do like pearls, especially when they are used as a metaphor representing all the good things I look for in my life, but isn’t there another way for them to form? I’d like to say “yes” (believe me I REALLY would!) but based on my life experience and all the experience of those I’ve worked with over the years, I’m thinking that the answer is no. Apparently, we all need that irritating piece of sand to get us moving towards creating the pearls in our life. So what is the sand in your life at this time? I guess mine is restraints…the parts of my personality, my life circumstances, the reality of divine timing…all those things that keep me from feeling free to move forward as quickly and easily as I’d like to. Where is the pearl in that for me? I guess it stops me from running off quickly in one direction only to find out after much time and energy is expended that I’d really rather be running a different direction. I admit it…I’m a big idea person and when I get one of those “great” ideas I want to put it into action immediately! So, what does this mean? Have you ever found yourself frustrated in the process of working towards a goal and decided that the goal isn’t worth the struggle and frustration to attain it? That we told ourselves, “it’s not worth it”, “this will never work”, “everyone is against me”, “it is what it is”, “I’m not good enough”….I’m sure you can fill in a few more blanks yourself as we ALL run this internal dialogue continuously throughout our lives. “You can’t build your character without working through conflict.” Most people feel the friction of conflict and pull back. We can feel the resistance and create external excuses as to why the things we dream about are not possible for us. That’s the easy track…but by far the hardest track because most often it leaves us with a feeling in the pit of our stomach of unfulfillment and unworthiness as opposed to fulfilled, on purpose, and abundant. That’s where the lifetime of pain can come from, and because that pain can continuously be reinforced by maintaining the same actions when conflict or resistance arises, all levels of stress, the feeling of “lack of” and chronic sickness can appear in your life. “If you choose the easy road, your life will be hard. If you choose the hard road, your life will be easy.” – Les Brown Coaching Tip from me to you: Take a look at the “sand” in your own life and ask yourself why it is there? What pearl is it trying to bring forth in your life? We can’t get rid of frustration or of the sand, but maybe we can learn to live with it a little better. At least I know I’m going to give it a try! And here is another one. It’s so easy to look at someone else’s end result and believe it must have all been so easy. It’s just not true and if you take away just one thing from this message, it’s this: success is available to everyone. When we embrace our obstacles and conflicts and work through them day by day, year by year…. just like the oyster, we take steps towards building the character required for us to create the lives we dream of. Manifest in the Midwest
The Velveteen Rabbit
“By the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” (Williams, 2005, p. 17). Today was a day, not a great day, not a horrible day, but a rough day. This morning when grabbing Seraphina from her room, it was a wreck like normal. (She is two and has a toddler bed; she is able to come to my room and her older brother’s room when she gets up. For the most part, she ends up playing with her toys.) This morning she grabbed all her books from her bookshelf. She took her copy of The Velveteen Rabbit and ripped the jacket to shreds. My first reaction was anger. I grabbed the pieces showing them to her, “You can’t rip up your books, you hurt your books!” I was annoyed; this was an unnecessary mess, this will cost me money to get a new book, and I was sad just because I love books. My son popped his head in right mid-tirade and Seraphina started crying and ran to his leg. Oh great now I am a monster too. He laughs and shakes his head and starts picking toys up off the floor. When I get to the books and start placing them back on the shelf I find The Velveteen Rabbit. She only got the book jacket, not the book. Whoo.. Now the guilt rolls in. I bring the book with me downstairs. After breakfast, I put Seraphina on my lap and read her The Velveteen Rabbit. The classic children’s book The Velveteen Rabbit follows the life of a stuffed bunny, made of inexpensive fabric and filled with sawdust. The bunny arrives in a well-to-do little boy’s nursery. Alongside more expensive toys, the bunny feels naturally shy and insecure. The bunny longed to fit in with his peers. Actually, he hoped to become special to the boy. Abandoned after the excitement of Christmas, the rabbit befriends the wise old rocking horse. He explains to the rabbit that the boy will eventually love him and make him real. One day, Rabbit and Rocking Horse engaged in a conversation. “What is real?” Rabbit asked. “Does it mean having things buzz inside you and having a stick-out handle?” The rocking horse replied, “Real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a long, long time. Not just to play with, but to really love you. Then you will become real.” Rabbit, “Does it hurt?” Rocking Horse replied honestly,” Sometimes, for when you are real, you don’t mind being hurt.” Rabbit asked more of being real, “Does it happen all at once like when you are wound up, or bit by bit?” Rocking Horse, “It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or must be safely kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all because once you are real, except to people who don’t understand.” Rabbit, “I suppose you are real.” Rocking Horse smiled. “The boy’s uncle made me real. Once you a real, you can’t become unreal again.” Rabbit wished aloud that he could become real without these unpleasant things happening to them, to which Rocking Horse Replied, “When you are real, shabbiness doesn’t matter.” As the story goes, the horse is right, The Velveteen Rabbit is selected to keep the boy safe and secure during a serious illness. A special bond develops between the boy and the rabbit. Along with the experiences the two share together, the rabbit transforms from a toy to something the rocking horse calls “real.” The rocking horse claims that real is what happens when you become your true self, not a contrived, shiny, pretend thing, and are loved despite, and maybe even because of, your imperfections. The Velveteen Rabbit is much more than a children’s tale, it is a classic metaphor. This story has the power to provoke our deepest desires, inspire reflection and remind us of the basic truths in life. From one vantage point, The Velveteen Rabbit appears as just a tale for children, a story that brings to mind beloved toys and childhood dreams. But if we shift our view just a bit, we can see that the words hold truth and meaning for children of all ages, young and young-at-heart. A further shift and the Velveteen Rabbit himself is able to explain the intricacies of our own life, our own truths. In The Velveteen Rabbit, the real wake-up call is called being real. Being real is truly being yourself and not a version of something you think you are supposed to be. In my coaching I call this, living my authentic life. This theory is based on our own individuality. Being real is different for everyone. Whether speaking about living an authentic life, living the coaching lifestyle or being real, one thing is the same. We are all striving for a feeling of happiness and contentment. We are always looking for work that is engaging, relationships that feel satisfying and genuine love so we never feel alone in this world. Just like the book, once you are real, you know that everything you say and do matters to others. It helps you understand sadness and happiness. You will want to help ease others’ sadness and bring happiness to your loved ones. It helps you strive to leave your mark on this earth. In the book, the Velveteen Principles, Toni Raiten-D’Antonio lists 12 principles. Real is Possible- Being real is a
Smelling the Roses: Me Time, Acknowledging the Good Stuff and Being Thankful
“Stop and smell the roses” may be a cliché, but research suggests its sound advice for finding more satisfaction in life. A 2012 study in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences suggests that appreciating the meaningful things and people in our lives may play an even larger role in our overall happiness than previously thought. This research was the first to examine whether appreciation explains variance in life satisfaction after controlling for gender, age, ethnicity, the Big 5 personality factors, and gratitude. In the study, Rutgers University psychology professor Nancy Fagley surveys undergraduates on their levels of appreciation, which Fagley defines as “acknowledging the value and meaning of something—an event, a behavior, an object—and feeling a positive emotional connection to it.” Fagley’s survey of appreciation zeroed in on eight aspects of it, including awe—or feeling a sense of connection to nature or life itself—and living in the present moment. Though Fagley found that appreciation and gratitude both seem to be strongly connected to happiness, her results suggest that appreciation is twice as significant as gratitude in determining overall satisfaction with life. When was the last time you took a break, “Me Time”? When was the last time you said out loud what you were thankful for? Have you stopped and told someone you appreciate them for the little things they do for you? Oh, yea let me see I sold my vacation time back to the company last December. I don’t have time for a break. Thankful Thursday? No wait thankful posts I start in November and get through about 6 days. Sure, there was that dude who helped me carry some boxes into the UPS store, I am sure I told him thank you and I appreciate it. My spouse, my kids, I am sure not recently. Sound familiar. We know that people actually get more done if they take time out to enjoy their day. Not only that, but, over time, people who set aside a few hours every week are likely to be healthier, more relaxed, and better able to cope with the stresses of everyday life. You know “Me Time”. Why not try it? Give yourself the gift of pausing. To start, make a list of 10 things you REALLY enjoy doing, whether or not you have made time for them lately. I am talking about stuff that gives you real pleasure. They may be things you do alone, or with one other person, or with a group. Look over the list, and see if one thing says “pick me.” Choose one of those activities that you enjoy. Now, take out your calendar, and IN THE NEXT MONTH, block out at least a 2-hour period that is JUST FOR YOU. Half a day is better. A whole day is best of all. Do whatever is needed to make that time free. Ask a neighbor to babysit. Tell your spouse you’ll be busy. Say “no” to the half-dozen requests that will almost certainly challenge your “Me Time”. And when your day comes . . . GO FOR IT, whether you’re painting, walking in the woods, going to a movie, or just sitting still. What matters is that you are doing something you really enjoy. During your “Me Time”, pause and think of one thing you are thankful for. Be present in your enjoyment, this is not “okay I am sitting at the park, I have 35 minutes left, then I have to pick up the dry cleaning, and I have to pick up Mc Donald’s, and the oldest is at soccer practice”. No. Be present in the enjoyment of your “Me Time”, spare a minute to think of one thing you are thankful for, and at the end of your “Me Time” tell one person you appreciate them and why. 5 Ways to Incorporate Spring into my “Me Time” Go outside as often as possible. This can be a tough one for me, as I love being on the computer. However, being on the computer outside isn’t really being present in the spring moment, and I’m going to make a big effort this spring — starting today! — to spend as much time outdoors as I can. Pay attention to the little things. When I’m outdoors, I’m going to make an extra special effort to pay attention to the little things. I’m already pretty good at this — noticing the new buds on plants, spotting an unusual flower or insect — but this year I’m going to pay attention even more to the small things around me. I’m a big fan of using my visual sense, but I’m going to start paying attention with all five senses to really get in touch with the season of spring. Stop rushing and slow down. One of the reasons I struggle to enjoy the season is because I’m often in a rush. I have work, plans, and things to cross off of my to-do list. Even on the weekends, I’m often “busy” with something I feel I must get done. If I really want to enjoy this spring, I realize that I must slow down and stop rushing. I need to take my dog on longer walks. I need to take the long way from the parking lot to my office. I need to stop rushing and start slowing down. Learn the names of plants/animals. It’s occurred to me more than once that I have no idea what some of the plants or animals are around my building. I’ve lived in the same zip code for most of my life and yet I don’t know the names of some of the trees I see every single day. I always say I should learn what they are, but I never have. This spring I’m going to finally figure it out. Going through the process of learning more about my environment will certainly help me to be more present Bring the spring indoors. I cannot tell you how many times my
