How to Support Your Partner or Children with Anxiety: 5 Things to Try
If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic, or excessive worry, then it may be challenging for you to know how to support people in your life when they do. Being someone that has had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life, it can be challenging to feel understood. Even having an ability to understand GAD from a clinical standpoint, it can still be difficult to explain my experience or know-how to self-soothe at times. Compound this with my oldest child showing signs of GAD, I struggle to make him feel understood and help him find behaviors to release those feelings. I think it is important for people to understand that anxiety and anxiety disorders can have an impact on anyone. Anxiety is complex and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all remedy or “fix.” People that experience debilitating anxiety may tell you they feel insecure or ashamed. “I would try to hide my anxiety because I was so embarrassed for being stressed out about dying. I’d notice a new birthmark and would immediately dwell and google skin cancer for days. I was convinced in my fear-stricken state that I was dying, yet my rational brain would often say, ‘You’re fine…’ It was almost as if I couldn’t trust which voice to listen to, so I just kept searching online for reassurance until I was so physically and emotionally upset that I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until then that my partner really started to understand how complex and heavy my anxiety really could become. I was so afraid he would minimize my experience and tell me how stupid I was; I didn’t know how to ask for support, let alone confront him with my fears, so I would often just close him off and then we would get into an argument.” This is an example of health anxiety, which many researchers think close to 15% of the population may struggle with this particular disorder. Someone struggling with health anxiety is often misunderstood and can be dismissed by others around them, including doctors or professionals. Social anxiety is also very common and many people mask their symptoms by engaging in alcohol or recreational drugs to soothe their fears. This can lead to arguments and misunderstandings. It is easy to make assumptions that they are just being shy, closed off, or awkward; maybe they have a drinking problem or they are socially rude. It is important to understand the root cause, because these may be signs that link to anxiety management instead. If your partner or children are struggling with anxiety and you don’t quite understand how to support them, please try these tips: Tip #1 Don’t (ever) tell them to “calm down,” “chill out,” or “don’t worry about it.” Although the intent may be supportive, it comes across insensitive and dismissive for the partner struggling with soothing their nervous system and intrusive thoughts. It may seem counterintuitive but try validating their anxiety instead. Validating their anxiety can actually help them put a name to their experience, while also helping them feel understood. “You’re feeling anxious… It’s ok. I’m here.” Tip #2 When they are not feeling anxious, try to understand what their anxiety is like for them. Ask questions like, “What does it feel like in your body?” “What thoughts do you have when you’re anxious?” or “Do you know what triggers it for you?” or “What helps you when you’re feeling that way?” Tip #3 During an anxiety attack, remind them to breathe. Deep and long inhales/exhales are incredibly helpful for their nervous system to calm and can distract their mind from continued panic. Tip #4 If your partner or children have a particular diagnosis, educate yourself on it. By researching what anxiety is, it can be more helpful for you to understand the symptoms from a more objective place. Tip #5 Support them in seeking professional help if they aren’t seeing someone already. Friendly Reminder- Anxiety is not always a rational train of thoughts and emotions. Please give them some grace and always try to exercise compassion. It may be hard to relate to and understand anxiety personally, (or rationally), but the more compassion you can express, the more they will feel comforted.
Anxiety, the thief of mental peace
And what about the feelings that this state suggests to you? Have you found yourself thinking and projecting something that is just about to happen but doesn’t depend on you to change the course of its direction? Have you realized that you can lose focus on the present because your mind is projecting a future that does not happen yet? Quite often, being anxious is an unconscious state, but if we become aware of how much energy we spend on this state of being, we can re-directed our attention for what really matters: the present. And aware of this present, where everything happens, we can control our attention to performing what really depends on us to achieve the desired goal. The process isn’t simple, but it is possible, and this is the challenge that Coaching intends to support you to overcome. If we do not have control over our thoughts, our mind can bring us to a state of restlessness where we don’t explore most of our potentialities. To address your attention for what is really important to you is one of the benefits of a coaching relationship. Furthermore, Coaching offers you a space to grow and to reflect on your priorities. By ourselves is quite hard to separate enough time to translate all of our dreams and aspirations into practical action, even because while we don’t express those thoughts, they are just ideas in our minds. To understand more about this phenomenon of self-realization, we need to talk, verbalize and share those ideas to allow them to become real possibilities. Therefore, this professional interaction will help you organize your ideas, considering your reality and available resources, to create an action plan that will inspire you to create a positive attitude towards your goals. Finally, you will realize that the same energy you spent being anxious you can now spend being productive. Cognitive Behavior Approach to Recognizing Destructive Patterns I want to borrow from the cognitive-behavioral classification of negative thought/emotional patterns because these categories are easily recognizable in both anxiety and depression. Recognition of your habitual patterns is a key factor in learning how to face anxiety and depression consciously. These habitual reactions and thought patterns include: Polarized Thinking all-or-nothing thinking: viewing the world in absolute, black-and-white terms often associated terrible childhoods, e.g., unloving or otherwise abusive parents Filtering disqualifying the positive: rejecting positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason often associated with negative mothers Automatic negative reactions having habitual, scolding thoughts parents who constantly scolded or judged Catastrophizing magnifying or minimizing the importance of an event: making a bigger deal about a specific event or moment repeated exposure to disappointment by a trusted caregiver Over-generalization drawing overly broad conclusions from a single event Personalization taking things too personally or feeling actions are specifically directed at you Jumping to conclusions immediately judging a situation without reflection Control fallacies external control fallacy: we are helpless victims (I can’t help it! syndrome) internal control fallacy: we are responsible for how others feel (did I do something wrong? syndrome) childhood and family relationship issues Fairness fallacies judging everything in terms of fairness childhood and family relationship issues Blaming holding others responsible for how we feel about ourselves never feeling loved by primary caregivers Shoulds imposing our particular rules on others terrible injustices suffered as a child Emotional Reasoning buying into what you feel about reality when it may not be the truth about reality: I feel stupid, so I am stupid. They didn’t invite me because they hate me. lack of development in the thinking function Global Labeling generalizing a few qualities into a global, hyper-emotionally charged negative judgment: someone you don’t like is automatically a jerk Always being right striving to prove you are right/getting the last word Reward/Punishment expecting sacrifice and denial to payoff or scorekeeping unresolved religious conflicts Shift That Anxiety It has become prevalent for women to suffer from an anxiety disorder at some point in their life. Sometimes it can be situational: your husband loses his job, you get downsized, your child goes off to college, or your real estate business has been affected by the economic crisis. Some women suffer from panic attacks that are unprovoked and occur for no particular reason. Other women have generalized anxiety because of their mindset. They see the glass as half empty, or they are waiting for the other shoe to fall. Are you the type of person who lets fears and anxieties permeate your existence? Maybe your life is going well, but you worry too much to be able to enjoy it. Perhaps your past keeps you from living in the moment and enjoying the here and now. Regardless of the type of anxiety that you might suffer from….you can utilize some skills that will assist you in managing it. How do you reduce it? Well, you may not know this, but it is impossible to have 2 simultaneous thoughts at the same time. Therefore you can learn to shift your anxiety with an alternative and balanced thought, greatly reducing it. I worked with a young mother who feared for her daughter’s health. She constantly fretted that her daughter would become ill because she was exposed to other children’s germs. She created a more realistic thought that reminded her that the germs would strengthen her immune system. This greatly reduced the anxiety. These next 7 mindset shifts will give you an understanding that even though life isn’t always fair, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still be happy. 1. Accept That Life is a Challenge I’m going, being honest…life is challenging — being an adult is far from being easy. This is a fact that we have to face our reality and learn how to adjust to it. Once I started to really (REALLY) comprehend and accept this reality, my anxiety triggers diminished. Before, I used to ask myself “why” all the time. “Why” is this happening to me? “Why” can’t things be different? “Why” does life
Growth Mindset: Discussion Questions
A growth mindset perspective can be used when interacting with peers, family or friends, even colleagues. Everyone may have times when they get in the way of their own success and become their own worst enemy. When they can change their mindset, they can unlock a whole new world that stops the block that keeps their thinking trapped. A growth mindset is one way that fosters positive development and healthy forward-thinking and refers to how an individual responds to challenges and setbacks. It takes more than motivation or resilience to face challenges in today’s society. A growth mindset can have a multitude of benefits that will increase intelligence. Unlike a fixed mindset, a growth mindset needs to be nurtured and developed to thrive. Educators and parents have a unique opportunity to encourage growth by helping youngsters develop a growth mindset. Today’s blog will provide you with discussion questions you can ask youngsters daily to encourage them to embrace the growth mindset process. How did your parents and/or teachers praise you as you were growing up? Did they tell you how “smart” you were, or did they focus on how hard you worked? How do you praise others? Is there someone in your life (a parent, teacher, friend, boss) with a fixed mindset – someone who won’t take risks, who can’t admit mistakes, who falls apart or gets defensive after setbacks? Do you understand that person better now? How do you act toward others in your classes, your dorms, etc.? Are you a fixed-mindset student, focused on being smarter than others? Or, do you take advantage of the learning opportunities available to you through your peers? Was there a difficult transition in your life where you fell into a fixed mindset and lost confidence in your abilities? Describe it. When do you feel smart? When you’re doing something flawlessly or when you’re learning something new? Grow Your Mindset: How can you make striving, stretching, and struggling into something that makes you feel smart? Can you think of a time you faced an important opportunity or challenge with a fixed mindset? What were your thoughts and worries – about your abilities? About other people’s judgments? About the possibility of failure? Describe them vividly. Grow Your Mindset: Now, can you take that same opportunity or challenge and switch into a growth mindset? Think of it as a chance to learn new things. What are the plans and strategies you’re thinking about now? Think of times other people outdid you, and you just assumed they were smarter or more talented., Grow Your Mindset: Now consider the idea that they just used better strategies, taught themselves more, practiced harder, and worked their way through obstacles. You can do that too if you want to. Are there situations where you get stupid – where you disengage your intelligence? Grow Your Mindset: Next time you’re in one of those situations, get yourself into a growth mindset – think about learning and improvement, not judgment – and hook it back up. Is there something in your past that you think measured you? A test score? A dishonest or callous action? Being fired from a job? Being rejected. Focus on that thing. Grow Your Mindset: Now, put it in a growth-mindset perspective. Look honestly at your role in it, but understand that it doesn’t define your intelligence, personality, or anything else about you. Instead, as: What did I (or can I) learn from that experience? How can I use it as a basis for growth? Carry that with you. How do you respond to “constructive criticism”? Grow Your Mindset: Remember that constructive criticism is the feedback that helps you. (and others) understand how to fix something. It’s not feedback that labels something as deficient. Us constructive feedback to improve, even if you believe you’ve already done your best work. Are you a person who tends to avoid responsibility for your problems or failures by making excuses or blaming others? Grow Your Mindset: Think of specific examples and discuss how you could use a growth mindset to take responsibility and start to correct the problems you face. Do you use feeling bad as a reason for doing nothing? When you feel disappointed, thwarted, cheated, or depressed, do you use this as an s reason to stop trying? Grow Your Mindset: What steps could you take to help growth mindset thinking overcome your fixed mindset? Discuss a specific plan. Additional Growth Mindset Practices Think about a time during the past week when you were faced with an academic, social, or personal challenge. Determine if you faced that challenge with a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? How do you know? If you faced the challenge with a fixed mindset, how might you have approached it differently? Reflect on real-life examples of using a growth mindset (by you or someone you know). Do some journaling or free writing about this example. Try to explain how the growth mindset helped you (or someone you know) solve a problem or achieve a goal. Be specific. What did you think and/or do that allowed you to push through the challenge? Save your writing. After engaging in #2 multiple times, read through your free-writing. Are there similarities in what you did each time? What did you think each time? Is there a pattern you can identify? Again, be specific. Try to identify specific thinking patterns and behavioral patterns that exemplify the growth mindset. Remember these when you face a new challenge. Think of something about yourself you’ve wanted to change. What is it? Has a fixed mindset prevented you from doing this? Think about it from a growth mindset and spell out a concrete plan for change. When you’re feeling stuck, remember . . . . . . THE POWER OF “Yet.” Remember to: focus on effort, struggle, & persistence despite setbacks choose difficult tasks focus on strategies reflect on different strategies that work and don’t work focus on learning and improving seek challenges work
Journaling to Increase a Growth Mindset
Journaling to Increase a Growth Mindset If you have been keeping up with my blog, I can feel you rolling your eye from here. “Another journalling post! Does this woman do nothing but write in her journal? Yes, pretty much.” I can almost hear a collective suspire and the words being spoken “who has time for that?” Try my structured journaling process for four to six weeks. Then you can compare your growth and progress to where you would be without that practice. Having a journaling habit is not an idle activity, it’s actually quite intentional and meaningful, and, in fact, it may be one of the most positive things you can do in your daily life as a mom. Journaling has helped me tremendously in expressing my emotions, especially when I’ve been alone or feel alone – like no one understands what I’m going through. I’ve also used journaling in finding a sense of direction when I feel stuck, hopeless, and lost, in getting through something that feels impossible. And that is where growth mindset journal prompts come in. These growth mindset journal prompts are designed for moms like you, to help you put yourself first, take care of your mental health, increase your emotional intelligence, and improve your mindset so you can harness the power of positive thinking and face life struggles and difficult times. Using these growth mindset journal prompts will help you get back on track and find happiness once again and will send a clear message to your subconscious mind that you: are willing to step out of your comfort zone, matter are open to trying new ways to practice self-care. Journaling Template It is a lengthy template, but I journal twice a day. I rarely go beyond one page (front and back in my 9X7 journal). So it is not much writing. There are many areas, but my reflections are brief. I synthesize. I have adapted my template from Michael Hyatt’s daily journal template. The first page of Journal: One of the first pages in my journal lists my goals in each key area of my life and at least three sub-actions (commitments) that must happen in order to achieve those goals. My areas for goals are Spiritual, SELF, Children, Family and Friends, Home/Finances, Business, Coaching Skill Development. Morning Journaling Session Sleep: I note how much sleep I obtained the night before. This compels me to ensure that I sleep the hours that I need to function optimally. Moreover, there are interesting correlations between sleep and outcomes of the day based on adequate or deficient sleep. Word of Day: – I am a logophile, and I love learning new words. Spiritual Reflection: A short reflection based on Scripture or a short spiritual reading. “Yesterday I…”: I describe the events that happened yesterday…sometimes in as little as two or three sentences. “What I learned…”: Here I reflect on the insights from yesterday. How can I leverage yesterday to be better today? “Today I am grateful for…”: It is always good to start the day with gratitude. I do this by writing one sentence of gratitude (meaningful or seemingly inconsequential things that make life beautiful). Today’s Goals: My daily goals are 80% informed by my goals for the year, which are recorded on the first page of my journal. As I create my daily goals, I look at my goals page and draw from there. I only allow myself three goals. I accomplish (work towards) more than three things. However, the ones designated as goals for the days take precedence over everything. Evening Journaling Session I write the word Examine and then reflect on the following: “I am reading/learning about ….”: I always want to be learning, reading something, listening to a podcast, thinking deeply about concepts. Moreover, I record a couple of sentences for that. Review of Clarity, Focus, and Intensity: This is where I reflect on my time and energy use. My three words for the year are clarity, focus, and intensity. So I reflect on whether I approached my three goals with clarity, focus, and intensity. “Tomorrow, I want to be mindful of …”: I desire to do better tomorrow than I did today. My intent is to grow. Therefore, I set an intention based on my insights of the day. My win from today: Always, always end on a positive note. So no matter how small or grand the win –document it. Some people sleepwalk through life. When you are investing time to journal about life and reflect twice a day you will awaken. You will become conscious of all the unconscious things that are working against you. You will not only awaken to internal factors that hinder you, but you will also awaken to external factors that hinder your progress. Moreover, you will be able to avert those. Keeping this system of journaling, you will have a journal filled with entries documenting your life, how you gave of yourself to others and to your work, of your struggles, and triumphs. You will have your goals and the works that you did towards achieving them at your fingertips. Moreover, you will have documentation on the progress of those goals. I hope that your year-end synthesis and reflection will amaze you and fill you with gratitude because you lived the year well…with a growth mindset. Conclusion The idea here is to put forth effort for continuous self-improvement, and developing that habit means developing a growth mindset. Those with a growth mindset can change their life through dedication and hard work. Like all skills, it takes time and practice, but the return on your investment in yourself is lifelong. Are you ready to activate a growth mindset? Manifest in the Midwest
Growth Mindset: How to Start and End Your Day With Purpose
The Morning Miracle Much has also been saying about the significance of our morning routine. How we start the day will set the tone for the rest. It has been given special significance in many esoteric texts, especially in Ayurveda and Zen Buddhism schools. If we get our mornings right, it will set us up psychologically until the night. How you execute your morning routine is up to you. A suggested routine could be to make your bed, shower, meditate, and sit mindfully with an herbal tea before going to work. Depending on your available time, you could also consider essential oils, self-massage, yoga, affirmations, and/or visualization. Another significant point with the morning is the time period immediately upon waking. This provides a golden opportunity to mix the dreaming and waking state with a better ability to manifest and program your subconscious. Your brain waves are lower, and you will be a more receptive mentality. The same applies when you are going to sleep. If you are looking for ways to fast-track growth, then these are the best two opportunities. What you do in the external environment comes secondary. Night Time Optimization How well you sleep will determine your performance throughout the day, as well as determining how efficiently you complete your morning routine. Your morning actually starts the night before in many respects. There are many ways to optimize your sleep. As above, you should try to focus on what you want when falling to sleep. It would help if you made your room as comfortable as possible. This is largely an individual process. You might do well in a cool environment with blue colors and a completely blacked-out room for optimal sleep (many people do well with these three components in terms of sleep quality). Refocus on what you want to achieve in the morning and evening and what makes you feel good. Experiment with diet and exercise so that you can rest peacefully and minimize electronic appliances and WiFi signals in your bedroom. “Don’t go through life, grow through life.” – Eric Butterworth Focus on Yourself If you want to focus on growth, then you need to put your needs and experiences first. This even means putting yourself first before your own goals, if that makes sense. If you are stressed about your goals, then something is wrong. Use the tools above (massage, meditation, exercise, yoga, essential oils, martial arts, creative writing, singing, etc.) to put yourself into a state of bliss and relaxation. Then you will see how straightforward it is actually to complete the tasks you need to get done. Remember that you are the one that needs to achieve everything. You can’t do it if you are upset or stressed out. It sounds paradoxical, but the more at ease and relaxed you are, the more you will get done. So remember to put yourself first. You will see and understand different and easier ways of doing things. Otherwise, you will find yourself doing routine and mundane tasks all the time in the name of ‘progress. These tasks will never end. Remember that creativity and optimism are also required to take yourself to the next level of mastery. There is no way that you can establish anything worthwhile while in a fixed mindset of lack and simply following on from the inventions of others. It would be best to do everything you can to expand your creativity and believe that anything is possible. Continuously Learning If a growth mindset means that you are constantly improving yourself, then continuing to learn new things, skills or hobbies is one way to keep up with yourself. Thankfully there are tons of options available to us nowadays. Whether reading every day, listening to podcasts, webinars, or taking classes, there are endless ways to learn something new each day. Many entrepreneurs and business owners swear reading a book a week is how they stay sharp. Being open to new ideas and skills can also help you stay inspired, puts things into perspective, and even help push you out of your comfort zone. Learning new things is the epitome of a growth mindset. It is a testament to how hard work and dedication can transform your life, as long as you are willing to put the work in. That’s why learning new things is a must-have habit for anyone looking to create a growth mindset. Manifest in the Midwest
Flipping the switch, From a Fixed to a Growth Focused Mindset
Going from a fixed to a growth mindset can take some work. This is because habits and psychological tendencies can be extremely entrenched in our psyche. So we have to adopt best practices to observe what is truly possible. One of the best ways to gain a growth mindset is to observe how the other half live, the richest 1% of society. You will find that they do not pay any attention to what is commonly written on the internet about best financial practices. They are in the mindset of wealth, and they constantly expect wealth to flow. However, it can be tough to accept this for somebody who is used to watching every penny and budgeting all the time. Additionally, these people are usually born into wealth where they never picked up negative concepts surrounding the financial acquisition. If you could manage to spend some time with wealthy people, their high-growth mindset will rub off on you. It’s an easier way to live. Even if you do not have a privileged upbringing, you can still adopt this mentality. Habit and repetition are key to cementing a growth-orientated mindset. So you could focus on growing your capital reserves significantly. Set a figure such as $10,000 and try to explore ways to increase your account. This will be a combination of cutting back on certain expenses, visualizing different flows of income and the pile getting bigger, and concentrating on ways to increase revenue in general. Either way, your focus has to be on your capital reserves getting bigger, not on being unable to afford things. Don’t try to justify your lack of growth – focus on growth. Neither the universe nor other people care about your excuses. And you shouldn’t either. Tools for Dealing With Limiting Beliefs Everybody has certain fears and limiting beliefs that keep them stuck in negativity and distress. Some people find it impossible to attract a partner, no matter what they do. Other people find it difficult to manifest money and material items, despite applying all the online techniques and turning their attention to the problem. This is where meditation and mindfulness can really demonstrate their effectiveness. They can serve as tools to calm down our central nervous systems when we are anxious or upset about anything. When we get in negative thoughts spirals about something, the situation continues to perpetuate itself. This is also happening when we cannot manifest money, relationship, wellness, or any abundance on a larger scale. Deep down, we have firm convictions based on prior experiences. And it is these deeply held beliefs that stop us from growing in a genuine sense. Mindfulness and meditation can help to observe these beliefs without having any negative reactions. They free us up to grow and expand. Of course, when using them, we need to make sure to take a long-term and mature approach. They are not overnight shortcuts that we are so used to hearing about, but lifelong approaches that always work to greater or lesser degrees. We need to do things that put us in a good place and integrate them into our lives for frequent emotional and mental resets. In truth, all things that relax us, such as surfing, singing, dancing, painting, writing, doing martial arts, going for a massage, essential oils, and more, are useful for getting us out of our own heads. When we are in a good place, we can focus on our growth mindset much more efficiently. Remember, if you are unsure of your capability to do or achieve something, this is just a belief that you happen to have. No more, no less. People pick up beliefs from their parents and wider society and go through their lives without replacing them with empowering ones. Don’t let this happen to you. Use all available tools to replace limiting beliefs with good ones. Manifest in the Midwest
What is a Growth Mindset?
Getting out of a fixed mindset can be difficult. Over time, people learn certain habits or patterns of beliefs that are tied into specific experiences that are often painful. These experiences compound until the person becomes convinced that life is just the way it is and you have to make the most of it. In fact, you will find that many people have little personal mantras or ways of looking at the world. They might say that “life is a battleground” or “work hard play hard.” These idioms have little to do with the way that the world is and everything to do with the unique mindset of the individual. Either way, the person needs to adopt strategies that will help them out of a very fixed way of looking at the world. Growth Mindset Dr. Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, brought us the concept of the growth mindset. In her research, she discovered the impact of having a “fixed” versus “growth” mindset. Dr. Dweck summarizes her findings as follows: “Individuals who believe their talents can be developed (through hard work, good strategies, and input from others) have a growth mindset. They tend to achieve more than those with a fixed mindset…” Because of that, it is important to explore how one can journal to increase growth mindset. Imagine what would be possible for you if you had an ingrained belief that you could grow, change, achieve. And imagine that you coupled that belief with an unrelenting passion and perseverance. I believe half of your success equation would be in place. Further anneal your success with a daily, conscious, deliberate, reflective, experimental, and persistent effort towards achieving your goals. Now, any success that seemed elusive has transformed into a success that is highly attainable. Daily journaling about your goals and how you are investing your time and energy in your priorities, forces you to align with and course-correct as needed in order to do the small daily, weekly, monthly actions that your goals require present every single day. If you still feel ambivalent about investing time to journal, it might help to know the numerous benefits that journaling affords. The benefits of journaling can be: increasing cognitive abilities, increasing mindfulness, goal achievement, increase in emotional intelligence, boosting memory and comprehension, strengthening self-discipline, improving communication skills, healing, exercising creativity, increasing self-confidence, increasing clarity, deeper self-awareness, stress reduction, improvement in problem-solving, and helping with improving relationships. What is a Fixed Mindset? The most common example of a fixed mindset is money. People have certain ideas about what their time is actually worth. And what happens is that other people reflect this idea to them. So the person who values their time at $15 an hour will apply for jobs that reinforce the idea that they are worth $15 an hour. And they will actually self-sabotage jobs that pay them $30 an hour because “they are not worth that.” This phenomenon was documented in a book by entrepreneur and success coach Tim Ferris called The Four Hour Work Week. He noticed that competition was tough at the bottom and medium levels because everybody was fighting it out. It can actually be easier to shoot for high-end jobs once you have the appropriate psychology than working your way up step by step. But it actually gets straightforward in the upper echelons of management because they believe that it is worth every penny even though they often do very little work. This is a reflection of the esoteric principle that the whole universe is a product of the mind. What we believe internally is reflected in us, and we then proceed to believe that this reflection is actually the truth of existence. This has also been demonstrated in the scientific literature to a degree. In advertising, people only notice marketing materials that are relevant to them. Everything else is subconsciously filtered out, as the brain can only handle a limited amount of data. If we don’t change our perspective, we will keep seeing the same information and believing that it is the ‘truth.’ A fixed mindset can be loosely defined as a narrow and precise view of reality where we are sure about certain things. And they are only true because the fixed mindset person believes in them so strongly. How would somebody with a fixed mindset ever change the world with a revolutionary invention? It would not be possible. People of a fixed mindset observe the world as it is. People of a growth mindset create the world as they would like it to be. This is a huge difference. What is a Growth Mindset? A growth mindset focuses on expansion at all times as opposed to trying to preserve the existing situation. While finances are the easiest and most obvious example to give, the concepts of both fixed and growth mindsets apply to relationships, health, creativity, spirituality, and personal happiness. Typically, people can apply a growth mindset to one area of their lives but fail to carry over this into others. But if you grow a company, you can grow a relationship or even spiritual success. You have to take the same principles into a different field. The details will differ, but the foundational ideas for improvement will remain the same. People with a growth mindset are not focused on the past or even with current difficulties. It’s not even that they look for ways to solve problems; they are focused on creative ways to grow that can completely bypass existing issues. It comes down to a question of focusing on lack of focusing on growth. This does not mean that you ignore things that need to get done. You will still attend to specific obligations. But they are less of weight when your focus is on where you are going instead of where you happen to be. A Quick Mindset Quiz Wondering where you fall on the spectrum of growth mindset to fixed mindset? Take a quick quiz
The subtle act of not giving a f…
Why do we care so much about other people’s opinions, even those of total strangers? Why do we do things or not do some things because of how we expect others to react? No matter the “why,” the truth is, at some point, we base our actions and decisions on how we anticipate other people will perceive us. As a result, we don’t always do what we want to do because we’re afraid of what others will think. “Oh, I could never dye my hair a funky color; what would my mother say, what would my job say, what about the other moms’ in the drop-off line?” “I need to take over the family’s business. My parents have been grooming me for it for years. They even made me attend business school. I would be disowned if I told them I wanted to be a police officer.” There are many reasons we care about what people think of us, but I will start with the basics: Biology. We are programmed to seek validation, approval, and inclusion in our tribes. It is a survival instinct. Humans are pack animals; we hunt and live together for survival. So back in our caveman days, keeping in with the tribe was important because if the tribe rejects you, you are thrown out into the wilderness to face the elements and, soon after, death. But as our societies progressed to be more complex and our tribes to be much larger with better communication skills to change tribes relatively safely, it became a question of pride, ego, and social validation. It became less about our avoiding death and more about gaining status to a better lifestyle. The more popular we are, the more likely we are to succeed because people are more willing to help us on our journeys. It is essential to listen to opinions from a very select few people you can trust to tell you if you’re doing something completely crazy or encourage you to take a risk. These are people that truly understand you and have your best interests at heart. But what about other people’s opinions? What about those who spew hate and venom your direction for no reason? Or what about people you go to school with, work with, or otherwise have to tolerate because you encounter them frequently? For a good chunk of my life, I valued the opinions of almost everyone too much. I wasn’t the most confident kid. Like many others, I was made fun, relentlessly. I was painfully shy. I fit in better with adults than my peers. My long thick hair called nappy when classmates tried running their hands through my hair and got stuck. I didn’t dress girly and preferred low-key boy groups. I avoided any high-maintenance catty chick cliques where you had to fight other girls to stay in the club from elementary to now. Family members didn’t understand my passions or fashion choices, with constant criticism that I should dress like this, be like this, and other unrealistic expectations. I liked reading and cutting wood scraps to make habitats for creatures. I cared for my dogs more than I did most people. This was not “normal” girl behavior, and other kids and family members let me know it. My analysis of these events was: do something different from everyone else, and you’ll be berated. Better to fit in. I believed I needed to be ‘perfect’ to be liked. This led to a tremendous amount of pressure and stress to fit the mold. Yet, I never felt good enough or as though as I was ever allowed to be me. I grouped relationships by how I could act around them. People who were open with spiritual beliefs to the right, people who liked to go to the rodeos in the middle, and wanted to wine and paint to the left… I had to tone down and censor myself in almost every group. As a mom, daughter, granddaughter, business owner, student, teacher, spouse, co-worker, and so forth, I wore many hats and carried the expectations from those people on things I should and shouldn’t do. “As a mom, you need to dress more modestly. (Because shorts and a tank top in the humid Iowa summer are unmodest.) What do you think your kids will think about your tattoos when they are older? Don’t you think you should get a real job? (Me working from home with my businesses maintaining the bills and kids, but it wasn’t a typical 9 to 5, so it wasn’t “real.”) You were such a good student; I don’t know why you didn’t go to college or end up being a [insert random career here]. (Me waiting until I knew what I wanted to do with my life to go to college.). I get that you are all into worshipping trees and rocks and stuff, but you should go to church too.” Being just Sharame by wearing, talking, and doing whatever I wanted was almost impossible. Realizing I had to challenge my beliefs and replace them with more positive alternatives was one big turning point in overcoming my anxiety and depression around all the burdens I was carrying. So how do you stop caring what people think for the better? Since it is so hard-wired into us, how do we just stop? Next week I’ll talk about some of the ways I started to realize my worth, stopped treating everyone’s opinions like gold, and was able to release the real me. Manifest in the Midwest
10-10-10 Stop Gap
If you are like a lot of people right now, you are weighing up different options and having to make decisions and choices about things that you wouldn’t normally come up with. It can be easy to either: get overwhelmed overthink and stuck in a state of paralysis make a bad decision. Or a combination of all three! I always used to commend myself on my ability to process obstacles and make sound judgements, because I looked at every angle, all sides and possible outcomes were checked. Clearly, I am not a cyborg, so when I am falling down the rabbit hole of potential answers something small can take days, and either fall by the wayside if something more pressing comes up, or when I finally come to a decision I realize that was my gut instinct first choices anyways. Then the other side, sometimes we make snap decisions under pressure (real or imagined). Oh look that playground set I had my eye on went on sale, there is only one left in the store… I should pick this up. I am saving $300. Well, if you wouldn’t have bought it you would have saved $600. On top of when your kids put that on their wish list was two years ago and now they will probably use it a minute and climb right back off to do other more “teenage” things. You are also working on knocking down your credit card debt since this purchase is so last minute, there is no cash, and no sinking fund to use. Another large purchase put back on your credit card. Not even going to mention the fallout with the spouse that will occur because they fail to see it was an emergency purchase. How often did you regret a decision? Not only that, but how often did you waste plenty of time, money, and energy because of it? The job that turned out to be a dead-end, the partner who’s a douchebag but you decided to stick with, the investment that tanked? Fortunately, there is a very simple and quick tool you can use that is very effective when under stress or duress. It will help avoid making decisions and choices that are bad in the longer term, even if they do bring you some immediate relief. It works great in business or your personal life, small or large decisions. I ran across the source article. It was an article written by Suzy Welch in the September 2006 issue of O! Magazine. I have found it a great guideline and tool when facing a difficult decision. I will paraphrase it here: The 10-10-10 Rule As you face a difficult decision (and this works for any aspect of your life), ask yourself the following questions: Will it matter in 10 minutes? Will it matter in 10 months? Will it matter in 10 years? What is the impact of my actions within these timeframes? How we feel about something in the moment isn’t always the best predictor of how we’ll feel about it over a period. The thing that we’re focused on today and tomorrow may not be the thing that matters most in the scheme of things. For anyone that has delved into weight loss will find when you have to pick food on the fly, when you are out and about or even at home, compared to when we meal prep and plan, we make better choices with thought and time. We can plan to eat healthier, buy better food and eat better. When we wake up every day with the plethora of food choices available to us, even with health in mind, we tend to overdo it. 10-10-10 is the stopgap it is the pause we need to think of how this decision will affect us, not a two-hour web search of WebMd on this new rash we have developed, a quick stop, will this matter now, in the close and distant future? Being able to step back from the immediacy and use high-level thinking to evaluate the effects of your actions and decisions beyond just the initially visible cause and effect relationship is an indispensable quality, and it’s how smart people make good long-term decisions. Naturally, the problem is that it’s hard. It’s not intuitive to how we think and feel, and as a result, even if we know the idea, it doesn’t always register. Of course, we don’t check our emotions at the door; the same emotion rebalancing is necessary at work/home. That shift can help us to keep our short-term emotions in perspective. It’s not that we should ignore our short-term emotions; often they are telling us something useful about what we want in a situation. But we should not let them be the boss. If you’ve been avoiding a difficult conversation with a coworker/friend, then you’re letting short-term emotion rule you. If you commit to having the conversation, then 10 minutes from now you’ll probably be anxious, but 10 months from now, won’t you be glad you did it? Relieved? Proud? You will find that, by using this technique, decisions are often much clearer and easier to make. Issues that we perceive as having a long-term or more significant impact on our lives or the lives of others often don’t matter as much as you think in the big picture. The quality of your daily decisions informs the quality of your life. Whether it’s at home or at work, high-level thinking enables a kind of objectivity when considering options. It allows you to balance the conflicting forces in your mind with the incentives of reality. You’re obviously not going to solve every problem you have using this method, but you would be surprised at how well you can diagnose most of them. Whether it’s sticking to a diet, managing your priorities, or finding the courage to face a fear, all you have to do is ask yourself three questions.
