The subtle act of not giving a f…
Why do we care so much about other people’s opinions, even those of total strangers? Why do we do things or not do some things because of how we expect others to react? No matter the “why,” the truth is, at some point, we base our actions and decisions on how we anticipate other people will perceive us. As a result, we don’t always do what we want to do because we’re afraid of what others will think. “Oh, I could never dye my hair a funky color; what would my mother say, what would my job say, what about the other moms’ in the drop-off line?” “I need to take over the family’s business. My parents have been grooming me for it for years. They even made me attend business school. I would be disowned if I told them I wanted to be a police officer.” There are many reasons we care about what people think of us, but I will start with the basics: Biology. We are programmed to seek validation, approval, and inclusion in our tribes. It is a survival instinct. Humans are pack animals; we hunt and live together for survival. So back in our caveman days, keeping in with the tribe was important because if the tribe rejects you, you are thrown out into the wilderness to face the elements and, soon after, death. But as our societies progressed to be more complex and our tribes to be much larger with better communication skills to change tribes relatively safely, it became a question of pride, ego, and social validation. It became less about our avoiding death and more about gaining status to a better lifestyle. The more popular we are, the more likely we are to succeed because people are more willing to help us on our journeys. It is essential to listen to opinions from a very select few people you can trust to tell you if you’re doing something completely crazy or encourage you to take a risk. These are people that truly understand you and have your best interests at heart. But what about other people’s opinions? What about those who spew hate and venom your direction for no reason? Or what about people you go to school with, work with, or otherwise have to tolerate because you encounter them frequently? For a good chunk of my life, I valued the opinions of almost everyone too much. I wasn’t the most confident kid. Like many others, I was made fun, relentlessly. I was painfully shy. I fit in better with adults than my peers. My long thick hair called nappy when classmates tried running their hands through my hair and got stuck. I didn’t dress girly and preferred low-key boy groups. I avoided any high-maintenance catty chick cliques where you had to fight other girls to stay in the club from elementary to now. Family members didn’t understand my passions or fashion choices, with constant criticism that I should dress like this, be like this, and other unrealistic expectations. I liked reading and cutting wood scraps to make habitats for creatures. I cared for my dogs more than I did most people. This was not “normal” girl behavior, and other kids and family members let me know it. My analysis of these events was: do something different from everyone else, and you’ll be berated. Better to fit in. I believed I needed to be ‘perfect’ to be liked. This led to a tremendous amount of pressure and stress to fit the mold. Yet, I never felt good enough or as though as I was ever allowed to be me. I grouped relationships by how I could act around them. People who were open with spiritual beliefs to the right, people who liked to go to the rodeos in the middle, and wanted to wine and paint to the left… I had to tone down and censor myself in almost every group. As a mom, daughter, granddaughter, business owner, student, teacher, spouse, co-worker, and so forth, I wore many hats and carried the expectations from those people on things I should and shouldn’t do. “As a mom, you need to dress more modestly. (Because shorts and a tank top in the humid Iowa summer are unmodest.) What do you think your kids will think about your tattoos when they are older? Don’t you think you should get a real job? (Me working from home with my businesses maintaining the bills and kids, but it wasn’t a typical 9 to 5, so it wasn’t “real.”) You were such a good student; I don’t know why you didn’t go to college or end up being a [insert random career here]. (Me waiting until I knew what I wanted to do with my life to go to college.). I get that you are all into worshipping trees and rocks and stuff, but you should go to church too.” Being just Sharame by wearing, talking, and doing whatever I wanted was almost impossible. Realizing I had to challenge my beliefs and replace them with more positive alternatives was one big turning point in overcoming my anxiety and depression around all the burdens I was carrying. So how do you stop caring what people think for the better? Since it is so hard-wired into us, how do we just stop? Next week I’ll talk about some of the ways I started to realize my worth, stopped treating everyone’s opinions like gold, and was able to release the real me. Manifest in the Midwest
I’m slippin’ I’m fallin’ I can’t get up
Today was one of my coveted trips outside the house, my tattoo appointment, and picking up groceries. While sitting in the shop I noticed the music was just DMX, all DMX. Do not get me wrong DMX made some hits that spoke to me during my turbulent teens. So I asked my artist and he responds “Didn’t you hear, he passed away today.” Oh no I didn’t know. I had to one-handed Google it, that doesn’t seem right he was so young, oh he did pass away and he was only 50. Complications from an overdose.. Oh too young, too soon, too many people left behind, too much trauma that was not healed. If you ever read or watched the behind the scene stores of DMX you get tales of his toxic childhood. Throughout his childhood, Simmons was beaten regularly by his mother and her many boyfriends, who knocked out his teeth and left prominent scars on his face. He was kicked out of school in the fifth grade and his mother sent him to a home for abandoned children for 18 months. By age 14 he was living on the streets to escape his mother’s beatings, and his only friends were the stray dogs. He had started using crack cocaine at age 14 and spoke freely about his cycles of addiction and rehabilitation, a pattern of drug use that is associated with young heart attacks (Scott et al., 2021). Damn, was it my fault, somethin’ I did To make a father leave his first kid at 7 doin’ my first bid? Back on the scene at 14 with a scheme To get more cream than I’d ever seen in a dream And by all means I will be living high off the hog And I never gave a about much but my dog That’s my only, I had offered my last Just another little, headed nowhere fast Ay yo I’m slippin’ I’m fallin’ I can’t get up Ay yo I’m slippin’ I’m fallin’ I can’t get up Ay yo I’m slippin’ I’m fallin’ I gots to get up Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up Childhood trauma can cause self-destructive behavior in adulthood (De Bellis & Zisk, 2014). Lessons from DMX’s Short Life On April 2, 2021, Earl Simmons (DMX) had a heart attack at his home, was comatose and placed on life support, and died on April 9, 2021. He was 50 years old. You would have expected DMX to stop breaking the law after he was repeatedly arrested and jailed. His talent as a rapper earned him major adulation and tremendous amounts of money, but his success could not rescue him from the emotional damage of his childhood. People who repeatedly break the rules are often suffering from irreversible trauma that occurred in childhood. Since you are unlikely to be able to change their behavior patterns, you may just have to keep your distance. Emotional scars from a difficult childhood usually remain forever (Hovens, et al., 2017). Trauma is universal Trauma is an almost universal part of the human experience. We usually think of trauma as a thing that happens in very extreme circumstances – rape, molestation, physical abuse, extreme neglect, assault, domestic violence, or natural disasters. But this is acute trauma, which is not the only kind. Even acute trauma is common. Research from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) found that one in five Americans has been sexually molested as a child; one in four has been beaten by a parent; one in four of us grew up with alcoholic relatives, and one out of eight has witnessed their mother being beaten or hit. These are appalling numbers, far beyond what even most practitioners expect. Childhood trauma is a silent epidemic, with only one-third of respondents in the landmark ACE study (from which these findings are drawn) reporting no such experiences. The CDC estimates that overall costs for childhood and adolescent trauma exceed those of cancer or heart disease and that eradicating child abuse in America would reduce the overall rate of depression by more than half, alcoholism by two-thirds, and suicide, IV drug use, and domestic violence by three-quarters. But even for those of us who experienced no such incidents, there remains a subtler and less graphic source of trauma: chronic emotional abuse and neglect. Research has shown that such abuse and neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse and sexual molestation. Karlen Lyons-Ruth, conducted an influential study in the 1980s that followed children from birth to 20 years old. Their hypothesis was that hostile or intrusive behavior on the part of mothers would be the strongest indicator of mental instability in their adult children. Instead, they found that a mother’s emotional withdrawal had the most profound and long-lasting impact (Lyons-Ruth et al., 2013). If your caregivers regularly ignore your needs, you learn to anticipate rejection and withdrawal. You cope by blocking out their hostility or neglect and acting as if it doesn’t matter. And all of this carries into adulthood. It doesn’t just go away on its own. A child who has been ignored or chronically humiliated is likely to lack self-respect. Children who have not been allowed to assert themselves will have trouble standing up for themselves. And many adults who were brutalized as children carry a smoldering rage they can barely contain. The memory of the trauma acts like a splinter in the mind – it is the body’s response to the foreign object that becomes the problem rather than the object itself. Back to my favorite quote that has come to be a huge part of healing past traumas. “If You Don’t Heal What Hurt You, You’ll Bleed on People Who Didn’t Cut You.” -Unknown In infancy and early childhood, we become wounded and get our hearts broken by our imperfect and often well-intentioned attachment figures, who are doing the best they can with what they know. This sets the emotional and physiological
Turning the big Three-Eight
March is my birthday month (yes, I’m a Pisces through and through) . . . and this year I’m turning 38, I am strapped into the roller coast seat, off we go, closer and closer to forty. Here I come. When I was younger, 40 was incomprehensible. Surely I would have winked out of existence before that. (Not a lot of high goals as a child.) But here I am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, so to speak. To celebrate turning 38, I have created a Memory Map. I began with a big wheel, divided into four wedges, each representing a decade. Then, in each wedge I created a collage of memories — and here’s where the real gift to me came in: I allowed myself to CLAIM ONLY POSITIVE MEMORIES. The dark stuff is there, of course, it’s always with us to one degree or another. In the fourth wedge, I wrote See Bucket List. I have 24 months before I am 40. I decided to come up with 24 random things to do, believes I need to roll with better, ideas, all kinds of things, let’s go!!! Things to do before I turn 40: Host Parties- Host many parties at my home, and really go for it! After all, I have been talking about having all my friends over for ages. Make New Friends- I love my friends, but it’s time to branch out. Go to a friend mixer, head to a bar alone, or walk right up to people I don’t know at a party for a long chat. Volunteer- Helping others who are less fortunate than me, just because, a great routine to put into practice for the future. You Do You- Volunteering is great, but make sure I am giving myself the time I need, too. Take one hour a day, once a week, to do something for yourself instead of someone else. I am allowed. Travel- Go somewhere international—or domestic!—where I have never been before. Whether that means with my favorite plus-one, a group of besties, or solo. Consider being a little selfish by planning the trip first and inviting friends later. To ensure I am taking the trip that I want to take. Take a Leap- Do something I have always wanted to do, but might have been scared to in the past. Whether that means going up to a single guy at a bar or skydiving, I know what makes my stomach churn…time to do that. Plan My Retirement- That’s right, you read that correctly. Start saving money or buy real estate. It doesn’t have to be scary if I don’t leave it all until it’s too late. Get Lasik- That is right, I accept that even in my old age I do not take care of my glasses like I should, time to level up. Indulge- Go ahead and indulge in the things that really make me feel good. Get that weekly acupuncture or massages. It is fine, I have earned it. Don’t Overthink- Don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. I have gotten this far, so I am clearly doing something right. And don’t let anyone tell me otherwise. Go for It- Go for it, whatever it is, without hesitation. Try out for that show, apply for that job, tell that crush I like them. What do I have to lose? You’re nearly halfway done. Stop Wasting- Stop wasting everything—it’s just unnecessary. And that sentiment applies to everything: food, extra commodities, friendships, time… Shop Smart- Stop buying unnecessary things and try to curb your “need, want, have” attitude. It’s high time that I learned to shop better, not more. Don’t Hoard- Why have I kept everything from your college English paper to the note I received from my first crush? I have enough stuff. Go through my life’s possessions and lighten my load. Give More Compliments- I know I am thinking them, so why not share? The recipients will be so thrilled. And, while I am at it, learn how to take a compliment, too—because I know how awful I am at that as well. (Striving to be the drink women in the bathroom at 1 am.) Get Dressed Up- Get dressed up more often because, why not? Even if I am only heading out to the corner store, slip into a dress, or throw on a pair of killer earrings. After all, what am I saving those fun pair of heels for—dinner with the Queen? Print Photos- Print photos and create beautiful photo albums. It’s a great activity to remember and reminisce about my life and friends as I put it together—and I will have something to show for my work that my family and friends will appreciate, too. Be Friendlier- Say hi to people, hold the door open, let someone cut in front of me in line. Whether I know them or not, it’s an action that will not only be appreciated but also paid forward. Apologize- There’s always that one person I have owed an apology to—for a long time. Now’s your chance to make amends and bury the hatchet. Play Cards- Start a weekly card game. Or maybe a rotating game night! Any excuse for getting friends together on a more regular basis. Do What I Want- Do whatever I want to do, not what people want me to do. It’s time I learn to think of myself, too. Build Something- Try building something with my own two hands, even if it’s just with Lego bricks! Even if it fails, I will be glad that I tried. Quit- Really quit that bad habit for good. Or, if quitting isn’t in the cards, quit saying you’ll quit and just be gentle with yourself. Start Your Midlife Crisis- Yup. Freak out, and then move on. Pisces where you at? Creeping to 40 where you at? What’s on your bucket list? Manifest in the Midwest
International Women’s Day 2021 #ChooseToChallenge
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive, and to do so with passion, compassion, humor, and style.” Maya Angelou Countries worldwide will celebrate International Women’s Day on Monday, March 8. The day not only recognizes the achievements made by women but also brings awareness to the obstacles that still stand in their way. International Women’s Day is a global day celebrating women’s social, economic, cultural, and political achievements. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating gender equality. This year’s IWD 2021 theme is #ChooseToChallenge. We can all choose to challenge and call out gender bias and inequality. We can all choose to seek out and celebrate women’s achievements. Collectively, we can all help create an inclusive world. From challenge comes change, so let us all choose to challenge. Today is the day to challenge our negative inner voice. The critical inner voice is an internal enemy that can affect every aspect of our lives, including our self-esteem and confidence, personal and intimate relationships, and performance and accomplishments at school and work. These negative thoughts affect us by undermining our positive feelings about ourselves and others and fostering self-criticism, inwardness, distrust, self-denial, addictions, and a retreat from goal-directed activities. Have you ever wondered how you developed this internal negative voice? These inner voices usually come from early life experiences that are internalized and taken in as ways we think about ourselves. Often, many of these opposing voices come from our parents or primary caretakers; as children, we pick up on parents’ negative attitudes toward their children and themselves. Our voices can also come from interactions with peers, siblings, or influential adults. To start questioning your internal negative narrative, you must first realize you HAVE one. You can take power over your critical inner voice. When you become conscious of what it tells you, you can stop it from running your life. The challenge is to identify and flush out this internal covert operation. To do this, be on the lookout for when you slip into a bad mood or become upset. Investigate: What caused the shift? What happened, and, most importantly, what did you start telling yourself after the event? Your mood has shifted from feeling optimistic or relaxed to feeling down or irritable, which is probably a sign that you are interpreting the event through your critical inner voice. We can begin to change once we have identified the areas in which we limit ourselves. We can do this by taking two actions: not engaging in the self-destructive behavior that is being encouraged by the critical inner voice and increasing the positive behaviors that go against the recommendations of the voice. How might changing your relationship with your inner critic change your reactions to other situations in your life? If you can conjure up your inner wise person or your inner fair negotiator when going into a disagreement with someone, you are more likely to act in a manner that will bring you more success. I would LOVE to hear from YOU! How are you going to challenge the narrative? How would you like your inner voices to work with you?
March Women’s History Month
The actual celebration of Women’s History Month grew out of a weeklong celebration of women’s contributions to culture, history, and the society organized by the school district of Sonoma, California, in 1978. A few years later, the idea had caught on within communities across the country. In 1980, President Jimmy Carter issued the first presidential proclamation declaring the week of March 8 as National Women’s History Week. The U.S. Congress followed suit the next year, passing a resolution establishing a national celebration. Six years later, the National Women’s History Project successfully petitioned Congress to expand the event to the entire month of March. Women’s History Month Theme The National Women’s History Alliance designates a yearly theme for Women’s History Month. The 2021 theme is a continuation of 2020s: “Valiant Women of the Vote: Refusing to Be Silenced.” This theme recognizes the battle for women’s suffrage, which was gained with the passage of the 19th amendment in 1920. What is silence? “‘To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.” — Ella Wheeler Wilcox Silence is not always the quiet solace you find in your home or your mind. Silence can be keeping a secret, upholding your obligations, or silence can be compliance. Many children from the baby boomer to the millennial age bracket were raised with values such as “speech is silver but silence is golden” or my personal favorite “children are seen and not heard”. We are raised to believe outbursts of anger, sadness, and even joy should be reserved for close family members or spouses, things that happen behind closed doors. We do not make a scene. While I understand the sentiment trying to navigate a congested grocery store with twenty people having nervous breakdowns would be tedious at best. However, what if they are having a breakdown because something horrible and traumatic just happened, a call over the airwaves, emergency notices on our cell phones. Then those strong feelings are understandable we are all reeling, all emotionally drained our voices carry our sadness without a sneer or judgment insight. We care when it affects us, we care when it could affect us. A child being abducted from their parents, make nearby parents freeze with terror. “That could have been my baby.” A person without children may feel strong empathy for the parent but are still able to disassociate. This is called the circle of empathy. Circles of Empathy We often like to believe that we possess universal empathy toward everyone, without any discrimination or judgment, or preference. Every human life is equally valuable to us, and there’s no reason to prefer any one person over any other. The truth is: you don’t care about everyone equally. This may seem like plain commonsense to some people – but to others, this can be a frightening and uncomfortable realization. Here is a rough illustration of how our “circles of empathy” work. It begins with love for yourself, your family, and your friends, and then extends to bigger groups of people like your neighbors, your coworkers, your community, and your nation: Naturally, you can empathize with anyone if given the chance. Anyone can become a friend. If push comes to shove – and you have to choose between saving the life of a family member vs. the life of a random stranger – you’re going to show a clear preference toward your family member. This is natural, right? Yes, humans will always defend their tribe, first. Defending the Tribe Life for the earliest humans was a constant battle between, the environment, resources, predators, and other tribes. We depended on our families and tribes for survival. We knew we could trust our families, and we shared everything with them. Their struggles were our struggles. When a family member felt pain or joy, so did we. This family group, according to philosopher Peter Singer, was the first “circle of ethics:” a hypothetical group with you at its center. You then have altruistic feelings toward everyone else in the circle, and a desire to care for them as much as, if not more than, you care about yourself. We see everyone in our circle as a full-fledged person, with thoughts, goals, fears, and passions not too different from our own. However, in most early societies, the circle of empathy stopped at the family, or not much farther than it. Friends, neighbors and other tribe members were sometimes important to survival, so when necessary, the circle of empathy expanded to include them. But when resources were scarce and two separate tribes needed a specific resource in order to survive, they fought to the death, because they saw each other as inhuman rivals. This was true especially after the dawn of agriculture, which threw humanity into more frequent violent conflicts. Progress, but no progress We’ve come a long way since the time of the early humans. Advancing technology, ethics, and reason have made our world much less harsh. Resources—at least the most essential ones—are plentiful. Yet, our empathy circles are still very similar. It is far easier to empathize with people who we can personally identify, rather than if they are some abstraction, like a number or a statistic. Once you start thinking about large groups of people, you’re thinking about something abstract and numerical, not something you can empathize with on any real personal level. This doesn’t mean that you can’t care about random people suffering or that you can’t take active measures to help those people. We need to realize that we are using silence to make a conscious choice to keep our empathy within our carefully defined circles. When I Help You, I Also Help Myself “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” The more we focus our attention, energy, and resources outward the results help humanity at large,
Welcome
I’m Sharame, your Manifestation Maven. I grew up in beautiful Las Vegas. I graduated from the University of Phoenix with a Bachelor of Science in Information Technology in 2017. After graduating, I continued working for a local grain elevator as a customer service specialist. I knew I wanted to have more impact and was feeling confined by my job. I had an intuitive hit when I was on a business focus call that I should look into life coaching. I did my research and enrolled in Grand Canyon University, completing my Master of Science in Psychology, with an emphasis in Life Coaching in 2021. Since then, I have designed my ideal life and launched my coaching business. I now offer Manifestation & Abundance Coaching, Health & Wellness Coaching, Mindset & Accountability Coaching, ADHD Coaching, Small Business & Career Coaching, and Life Coaching services. I will work with you through a proven process to set meaningful goals and create an action plan to achieve them and build accountability into the framework. My future blog posts will include great resources and topics related to entrepreneurship, business, and life coaching. Feel free to reach out and send me a private message on my connect page with any questions you may have, or to inquire about private 1 on 1 coaching. I look forward to hearing from you. Sharame at Manifest in the Midwest
