Do you have plans?
It is December and most of us are feverishly focused on this last part of the year and all the details of the holidays that come with it. Family getting together, travel arrangements, gatherings, and celebrations, holiday meals, and the proverbial gift list. I would like to ask for just a moment of your time to look back and consider the year you’ve had. The successes and failures, the joys and disappointments, health issues, work events, and all the like. If you were to rate your year from 1-10, 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, how would your past 12 months measure up? Putting aside the everyday hustle and bustle what was your end focus and how well do you feel you did? This is not to judge failures or mishaps but mostly to bring to your attention what you might want to do differently this coming year. And perhaps pinpoint some goal that you did not quite reach this year and think of what you might need to shift and do differently in order to have better success in the year to come. Most of us see the herald of a new year as an opportunity to set new goals and adjust behaviors that did not serve us the year before. I am not just talking about a New Year’s resolution. I am talking about a solid change towards something you have been craving for a while or maybe even your whole life. Many resolutions notoriously fail after a short period of time for many reasons. Maybe we were not serious enough about the change we want to make. Or perhaps we do not have someone to walk the new path with us and hold us accountable. And perhaps our goals are too big and our tenacity runs out soon after we start. Everyone knows that change is much easier when we have support and guidance along the way. A helping hand to push us forward or pull us along. Often that someone has been there before and can share their experiences with us. In life, we start out with our parents and family as our guardians to learn the ways of acceptable dos and dont’s. Schooling and education are other avenues of support and growth. And as many philosophers said over the years for as long as we live we learn. As the new year approaches, I am looking forward to growing and solidifying the support that I can provide you with. I am so grateful for all of you that have put your trust in me over the years and for the monumental goals that we have achieved. Now more than ever I am so excited to be able to guide you to your next step towards health, wealth, and success. This year has been very grounding and educational and I am excited to welcome you to Manifest in the Midwest and share our tools and secrets of how to live a successful and joyful life. With the new year, we will be hosting more workshops, and Classes to really immerse ourselves into this healthy and joyful way of living. So come hang out with me. Take this opportunity to jot down your intentions, dreams, and aspirations, and let’s get cracking with excitement and vitality as the new year draws near. Use the space below to write out your goals and get focused and intentional. Having a direction is key in beginning your journey. I am looking forward to persevering and creating together! My Next Years Goals: Completion Date: ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ Happy Holidays to you and your families! With much love, Sharame @ Manifest in the Midwest
Holiday Advice
I’m not big on advice, but what the heck, it’s my blog. So here it is. It might be fun to practice savoring during the holidays. When savoring, one experiences the specifics and detail of the present moment. Noticing all the different aspects of an experience might include sounds, smells, textures, tastes, and emotions. For instance: I’m lying on the beach. I feel the sand warm under my back. I smell the ocean and sunscreen and feel a light breeze play across my face. My hair moves slightly against my cheek and I feel my eyelashes meeting above-closed eyes. Along with the surf, I can hear the occasional shriek of a gull and children off somewhere playing and calling to one another. I’m relaxed. I feel still, at east and connected. I could go on with my observations (and wishful thinking). Notice what I didn’t include. I’m not worrying about what’s going to be waiting for me when I get back to work. I’m not wishing I was on a beach in Florida. I’m not thinking I should get productive and take a walk or read. I’m not looking at my watch, checking my email, or texting. You can savor anything. We are all familiar with the idea of savoring a fine wine, cigar, or other gustatory experience. Have you ever savored success? Getting the promotion, finishing the dissertation, and completing your first 5K are all opportunities for savoring. So is listening to a symphony or smelling a rose. So my holiday advice: Find a few things (or many) to really savor and enjoy. Maybe it’s a special food someone makes at this time of year, or the giggle and smile of a particular niece, or the walk you have the time to take in the crisp winter air. Make the most of these experiences and be really present for them. If you’re used to being on the run and multitasking, it may take some practice, but I think you’ll find it well worth the effort. And it’s good for post- and pre-holiday times as well. For more tips, see an article about the Harvard Medical School Portable Guide to Stress Relief. A song that captures savoring and the holiday mood: 90s Christmas Songs Manifest in the Midwest
4 Strategies for Combating Holiday Overwhelm
The holidays are marketed as the “most wonderful time of the year” For me, they often feel like the most overwhelming time of the year. I have learned that if I do not schedule some time for recovery and self-care, it does not go well. Recovery is defined as “a return to a normal or healthy condition” or your body’s ability to restore its physical and mental processes. Non-stop activity- be it physical exercise or holiday entertaining and celebrating – can throw your body into overwhelm, undermining your energy, along with your health. The goal of recovery is to refresh and restore your mind and body, so you can meet and exceed your previous performance. Recovery Strategies Some of my favorite strategies for self-care and recovery include grounding, self-care and nourishing, sleep, boundaries and 1. Grounding Grounding is a technique that helps you connect to the healing energy of nature and the Earth. Grounding brings us into a state of balance, both mentally and physically. It is in this balanced state that our body can rest, repair, and heal on the physical, emotional, and spiritual levels. When we physically ground and connect to Earth – or apply essential oils derived from plants grown on the Earth – we connect to the balance of nature. Essential oils and the energy of nature, especially oils from grounded plants like trees or grasses, help ground us and return our bodies to the state of balance and enhance our ability to change in response to the body’s demands. Essential oils, especially those derived from grounded plants like trees which are intrinsically grounded through their root structure into the Earth. Essential oils comprised of barks, roots, grasses, needles, and resin of plants also help you pull your energy centers down into the Earth. Plants that grow under the earth are entrenched with the earth’s energies. This is why stones, root vegetables, or essential oils from root plants that share space with the Earth, match the frequency of the Earth and can be used for grounding. This helps to naturally reduce inflammation, optimize organ function and improve detoxification, by allowing toxins to flow out of us and into the Earth. On the emotional level, grounding allows your thoughts and emotions to move through us more easily. On a spiritual level, grounding enhances your connection to your intuition and spiritual guidance. When we connect to nature by consuming a plant-based diet, applying essential oils derived from plants, hiking in the woods, walking barefoot on the grass or dirt, we allow our bodies to align with the natural rhythm of the planet. When we lose this connection to nature, it interferes with our internal rhythm and balance, impeding our ability to return to balance so we can relax, sleep, detoxify, digest, repair, and heal. When we ground ourselves, these natural processes flow easily without interference. My favorite essential oils for grounding are vetiver (Chrysopogon zizanioides), mandrake (Mandragora officinarum), and patchouli (Pogostemon cablin). Vetiver, a perennial bunchgrass with very deep roots that help ground it to the Earth. Vetiver essential oil is extracted from these deep roots and is known to amplify your connection with the earth helping to ground and center you mentally, physically, and emotionally, often helping you explore the root of your emotional issues. The fibers of this relative of lemongrass are often woven into sleeping mats that release their cooling scent when slept on. Vetiver is used extensively by our perfume masters at Alpha Aromatics, who have been both pioneers and leaders in the industry since the 1940s. It is an excellent fixative in potpourris and related items because the essential oil improves with age. Vetiver’s deep, smoky and woody aroma has long been associated with colognes, and it is the main ingredient in most modern fragrances, after-shaves, and other scented products for men. Mandrake is a perennial plant that grows wild in areas influenced by the Mediterranean climate. The plant has large leaves and a very short stem, and it bears purple flowers that turn to yellowish fruits. Mandrake root has anesthetic, aphrodisiac, cathartic, cholagogue, emetic, hypnotic, mydriatic, narcotic, nevrine, poison, purgative, refrigerant, sedative, and stimulant properties. Fresh roots were once used to treat chronic pains, convulsions, rheumatic pains, and scrofulous tumors. Pounded leaves and boiled roots were used for the treatment of tumors. Roots boiled in milk were used to treat slow-healing wounds. Roots soaked in brandy were used for chronic rheumatism. Mandrake has also been used for asthma, colic, coughs, hay fever, hepatitis, schizophrenia, and sclerosis. Patchouli grounds and calms, while at the same time uplifts. It is earthy and warming and great for the overthinker or worrying types, those a bit too in the head and out of touch with their body. An oil that some might call an acquired taste, Patchouli Essential Oil has a deep aroma that is woody, rich and earthy, and somewhat similar to wine. As a member of the mint family, the most commonly used portions of the plant are the dried leaves and the essential oils, but some practitioners use the stems as well. Patchouli helps us get back in touch with who we are at our core. Stripping away constructs that we may have formed around us. Patchouli is about giving more space to who we really are. To be the light in our heart, to be the essence of who we are at heart. 2. Self Care and Nourishing Self-care has been defined as the process of taking care of yourself with behaviors that promote health and relaxation. This can include healthy food choices, restful sleep, gratitude, and forgiveness practices. There will always be triggers that throw you off balance. Some of these triggers are within your control (like what you eat or where you focus your attention) and some you cannot (like other people and their choices). Keeping your emotions on an even keel goes a long way toward maintaining composure and equilibrium. You’re less likely to get bent out of shape if you maintain
You Are Not Alone
You Are Not Alone Family relationships are not always easy. There are divorces, stepparents, siblings, and sibling rivalries. Step-brothers and sisters, half-brothers and sisters, in-laws. Aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. Deaths. Births. All of these and all of the possible combinations. Family dynamics are complex, and then you throw in the personalities of all the human beings involved, and what do you have? A mess, pretty much. Some of us manage to wade through the mess pretty well. We may have lucked out in the original birth lottery and managed to come out with parents that were pretty stable, easy-going, and somehow managed to get us on the right track to adulthood relatively unscathed. And hopefully, we will work to get our kids off to a pretty similar start in their lives as well. Unfortunately, not all of us are quite so lucky. Somehow, we got dumped in the other end of the pool and spent many years wading through some seriously foul muck. Narcissistic mothers left us with massively bruised egos and self-esteem so low we can walk under a snake’s belly while wearing a top hat or dad’s with substance issues that were only present in our lives long enough to make us glad when they were not. Yet, somehow, we managed to survive and succeed in creating good lives for ourselves. We grew up to be good, vigorous adults, carving out lives for ourselves that we can be proud of. And we did this despite our families, not because of them. And then the holidays roll around, and we feel the guilt start to sink in again as we contemplate not going home. Or worse yet, we think the insecurities rear their ugly fangs as we do head home, knowing what we will face when we get there. All those years of therapy go out the window, and in minutes, your ego is jello, and your self-confidence on a scale of 1 to 10 is about a -12. Mom has you apologizing for being a ‘strong presence,’ or Dad is criticizing you for the new car. Stop. Take a deep breath and remember that you are NOT alone. Many of us out here have been through this, and you will get through this. You are strong, an entrepreneur with unique skills and talents that got you where you are today. You are not that child anymore. You are not simply the sum total of your parents; you are the person that YOU want to be, living the life that YOU want to live. You are not alone. This month has been a test of faith, forgiveness, my poor friends, family, therapist, and many soul searching, meditating, and journaling time. I know for sure that when I reach out needing help or comfort, she is the last person I call if I call her. To cement my decision, the final conversation with her five weeks later. My mother called the boys and was talking about school. I get handed the phone, waiting for SLF to get of the bath. Like eh… Mother: How’s SDL doing in school? Me: Not too bad, two Ds. Mother: A long monologue about her husband building her a cat patio. Me: Nice Mother: How her doctor finally fixed her blood pressure meds, and her blood pressure is better. Me: (Told her this summer they were grossly overmedicating her and her abnormally low blood pressure was not safe and to try to get into a doctor as soon as she got back home in August.) Nice Mother: How was SLF’s birthday? Me: Good pizza ranch and jump zone. SLF gets out of the bath and takes the phone. Eventually, she’s wrapping up the conversation. Mother: I love you, SLF. Tell SDL I love him. Tell SLW I love her. Is your mom nearby? SLF: Yes. Mother: Ok, tell her I’ll talk to her later. Click- SLF looks at me. Like damn. “Did she tell everyone she loved them, asked if you were nearby, and choose not to say I love you? I know, man, I know. From the outside, it’s a small if even simple mistake. However, from years of being enmeshed and learning to watch the clues, she gave out I can recognize the snub and the proverbial slap in the face that it was. I am thankful for those who have been my sounding board, let me cry it out, and give me the encouragement I need. Time to take a bow, this woman is done feeding the narcissist. Manifest in the Midwest
It’s not the boulder but the small pebbles that create ripples that last a lifetime.
Yes, something large and traumatic is the perfect reason you need to decide it is time to cut off a narcissistic from their supply (you). However, it’s the small pebbles that continually drop that create multiple ripples that affect us for decades. We rationalize the pebbles, “it was a small pebble, they did not mean to drop the pebble, maybe I am being too insensitive to their desires to throw the pebble.” There are so many times in my life, especially after becoming a mother, I feel this opposite pull to fix the relationship I have with my mother and walk away from the dysfunction. During the summer of 2020, we were invited to visit her vacation park in Branson. We drive down there and stay in a cabin at the park. The first few days were rough; SLW could crawl out of her playpen and had difficulties sleeping from all the drive down there and then waking up extremely early. So SLW wakes up at 6 am the joys of no black-out curtains. SLF and I dealt with her for a few hours at nine. I called SDL he stayed at my parents’ camper to avoid SDW. So he walks over; I tell him to take her for a walk, hang out with her at the park SLF, and I need to nap. We had a very long night with broken sleep. SDL does but comes back later and drops her off inside, and doesn’t wake us up. I wake up to her dumping a full mc ds large soda into the super cute talking purse I just bought her. I jump up, I panic, and I yell at her. I called SDL and yelled at him for not letting either of us know she was back. My mother being nosy comes over. We were cleaning up the cabin. After we finished up, we went outside, and I was working on the tonneau cover, and I could hear my mother on the phone to her mother or her best friend talking trash about this morning. “She is overwhelmed with all those kids, SLW made a huge mess, and she can’t wake up and take care of those kids.” I went the route of ignoring the jabs, finished fixing the tonneau cover, and proceeded to return the tool I was using. My mother tries to get SLW to talk to her and sit on her lap, and SLW grabs her blanket and covers her face, and stans behind me. My mother says, “Oh, she’s just being a bitch because she got in trouble this morning.” My brain stutters like a Matrix mistake, and I rapidly blink a few times before my brain can come back online. I am not sure if my mother assumed I did not hear her, so she repeated herself. At this point, I exploded. “She’s not a bitch shes fucking 2! Maybe the reason I hated myself so fucking much as a child was you calling me a bitch as a child. That the ugly voice inside my head wasn’t because I was a sad and broken child, but it was your voice,” I pick SLW up and walk back to the cabin. I lay on the bed and started crying. Years of therapy and one slight altercation with my mother make me feel like I am 8 years old again. I call the boy back, and I take them out to dinner to unwind. From a typical parents’ perspective, when you notice a shy toddler around, you let them lead. SLW hasn’t warmed up to her (calculating the fact that at this point, my mother has seen her for 14 days in SLW’s entire life). My mother wanted to hug and kiss SLW, and she’s shy. SLW’s just in that stage. Trying to pick her up and force the issue is weird and gives me the heebie jeebie feelings. This story helps illustrate what can happen when adult children try to interact with parents who have a destructive narcissistic pattern. Not only was I angry, but I also felt ambivalent. I wanted both to stay in Branson to spend the very far time I have with my mother and tell her to go to hell. I have many conflicting feelings, chief of which seemed to be hurt. There are many other examples of relationships and interactions with a destructive narcissistic parent. In research from Brown (2020), “These experiences can only capture a small part of the feelings experienced when interacting with a parent who has a destructive narcissistic pattern. So much of what this parent does can be minimized by outsiders and excused as isolated events.” (p. 3). Even retelling the story, I can feel the shame for not being a supermom; I should have been able to stay up all night with SLW and wake up at 6 with her as well. I should have heard SDL drop her off. I shouldn’t have lost my cool with a toddler. I shouldn’t have lost my cool with my mother. I should have gracefully and calmly explained to her that toddlers grow through periods of shyness. It had no bearing on their potential relationship, all those feelings of inadequacy rearing their ugly head. Brown (2020), “Reacting from a lifetime of interacting with their destructive narcissistic parents. As adults, even the most casual interaction with the parents can cause hurt, anger, and feelings of helplessness and impotence. No matter how these “adult children” try to fortify themselves, even anticipating interactions with the parent produces distress.” (p. 4). According to Cori (2021), “The basic feeling left by a narcissistic mother is I must not be good enough, which results from her criticism and her need always to outshine you.” (p. 89). Narcissistic mothers are confusing because, unlike the most emotionally shut-down mothers, they can be caring and supportive when they’re not threatened, especially when children are young. When someone denies your reality, it is very destabilizing—and narcissistic,
Our toxic relationship cycle, continued
When you start to unpack the dynamic between my mother and me, you pick out classic narcissism signs with her behavior toward me and my reactions. When I first read Will, I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D. It was such an eye-opener; I highlighted pages, not passages that spoke to me or read play-by-play of specific situations that had happened between us. After reading through the book, I talked to my therapist like I think my mom is a narcissist. She said, of course, she couldn’t diagnose someone she never spoke to, but why did I feel that way? I listed my reasons. Yes, those traits are shared with someone that has Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). As the days after the fight continues, my anger and sadness turn to acceptance, how things will continue to be like this between us. The next part of the cycle is where I start second-guessing the entire fight, start feeling guilty, and seek peace between us. I don’t want the cycle to continue; I don’t want this issue to become my kids’ issue. I was having a heart-to-heart with my mother-in-law MIFO. She couldn’t believe my mothers’ audacity and had her own words of encouragement. Suddenly the tone of the conversation got real deep. When my husband was arrested, he could have been sentenced to jail for up to 6 years. He was in our home, and his behavior became strange. I felt uncomfortable and genuinely going through the entire issue of figuring out what steps I needed to take next to keep my kids and myself safe. The next day I left in the morning with our bags packed. I went to MIFO to get my sister-in-law. She was dropping her responsibilities to help me take the kids to a waterpark out of state to getaway. Let my husband get out of the house and keep us all safe. MIFO had gone to Walmart before I got there and bought formula, diapers, toothbrushes, and deodorants. Just in case we weren’t able to grab those things. She gave me money. My inlaws aren’t rich, and she probably placed a burden on her and her family doing all of that for me. After a few days, we got back from the waterpark; my husband was still in the process of moving out. MIFO let us stay at her house, three kids and me! One is four months old. Sleepless nights for sure. They fed us and helped with all the kids when I was burnt out. After a few days, it was safe to go back home. When all this was going down, I received a lot of calls from my hysterical mother. “What are you going to do?” Well, this is his clusterfuck. I am going to divorce him and continue working and taking care of my kids as I do. “Well, how will you get the lawn mowed?” Umm.. do it myself or hire someone. Just like I did when I owned my last house for the previous 11 years. “How will you pay the mortgage?” With the money I earn at work and with my business, again just like I did when I paid for my last house and owned it outright?!? “Don’t tell anyone back home.” (Back home would be all my aunts and uncles and cousins, and maternal grandmother.) Why? “Because it’s embarrassing.” Embarrassing, to who? I didn’t commit crimes; Im not in trouble. I will not feel shame for his poor choices. “Well, just don’t post it on Facebook.” My mother bases a lot of her sense of self on being in a relationship. She has conformed and changed personalities with each boyfriend and husband. She has also picked spouses that had money. That bothered me growing up, and with a touch of childhood emotional neglect, I am fiercely independent, and I will struggle before I ask for help. I shudder to think of being beholden to a spouse because I can’t take care of myself. I need to hide packages because I use shopping to fill the void, and my spouse is paying off 30k in credit card debt to rack it up again in secret. I was standing on the sidelines all that looked sloppy and truly unfulfilling. I always wanted to be happy and satisfied on my own merits. Emotional neglect is not the same as emotional abuse; hence it is often not as apparent as abuse, and in its ability to camouflage lies its most long-lasting impact. Emotional neglect is rarely discussed because it is a product of negligence, i.e., not seeing, not knowing. It is more about what we didn’t get rather than the more dramatic and visually intact memories of what we did get in our childhood, good or bad. However, don’t be fooled by its subtle presentation; emotional neglect can have a profound and lasting impact on us far into adulthood. My Aunt commented on a family photo of my kids and me two years after my divorce. “Where’s your husband? He sure works a lot.” I privately messaged her. Umm. No lady, we got divorced two years ago; he got into legal trouble. “Oh, your mother never said a word. No one has.” My mother weekly talks to her mother and siblings. I can play devil’s advocate and say, of course, she didn’t tell people about my divorce; it was depressing and highly private. She was trying to protect me from harsh criticism or weird blowback. She could not fly to Iowa to help me with the kids or encourage me during this challenging time because she had other obligations (bingo, dancing and social hour, the drinking club). She did not know what to say or how to help. She could have loaned me money to help stretch the stopgap in my savings, but I never asked for a loan. From experience, her reaction to my emotionally distraught state is
Our toxic relationship cycle
It has been about two weeks since the blow-up with my mother. It has the classic earmark of falling into the cycle of our toxic relationship. Build up –> Explosion (fight) –> Silent Treatment (Stonewalling) –> Nothing Happened (gaslights and blameshifting). However, I feel different this time. • It’s okay to let go of a toxic parent. Choosing to have no contact with a parent is difficult, but it could be one of the most important. Humans are wired to connect, even with people who don’t deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease from spreading is to amputate. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, and they are broken to the point that they will only keep damaging you from the inside out. You’re not responsible for them or the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep lining yourself up to be abused, belittled, shamed, or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision. • And it’s okay not to. Don’t be harsh on yourself if you stay in the relationship. The act of returning to an abusive relationship can trigger self-loathing. ‘Why aren’t I strong enough?’ Know that loyalty is such an admirable trait, even if it gets in the way of your capacity to protect yourself. Own where you are and give yourself full permission to be there. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. You’ll never love yourself enough to change your expectations if you’re flogging yourself for not being strong enough. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know is going to hurt you. When you’re ready, you’ll make a move to do something differently. For now, though, wherever you are is okay. There is that windup of emotions, each taking potshots at each other, escalating the toxicity until it becomes the knock-down, drag-out fight. Where I usually sit on the fence of you, sorry to say but you are bitter, an unhappy woman who is jealous that I went further in life than you ever have. (Honest barebone opinions told without care or compassion, without padding.) She sticks to her barebone opinions of me, Im crazy, dramatic, ungrateful, ridiculous, or childish, and my children will be taken away from me by DHS. The second I get off the phone, this emotional tidal wave hits. I am immediately on the phone, unloading to anyone that will listen. Everyone! I complain and release until that anger and sadness drains away. Call up the therapist; I need help unpacking this. Once that balloon deflates, I feel empty exhaustion takes hold. Day by day, I deconstruct the entire conversation putting every shitty thing I said in a box and every shitty thing she said in a box. I list topics I should have explained better or questions about certain statements she said. It is the constant unease when I am reliving and reexperiencing that fight. Then the silent treatment. The silent treatment is an adult tantrum. Just like a toddler who throws a fit when she doesn’t get what she wants, a narcissistic mother gives you the silent treatment in an attempt to control you. It’s also a form of punishment. And what do you know? Your mother is the queen of silent treatments, and it’s her favorite instrument of control. Assert yourself, get out of line, challenge her sainthood — and you’re dead to her. That’s why they call it a “mental murder.” A narcissistic mother “kills” you in her mind, communicating that nothing you say or do matters and that you don’t exist to her anymore. The worst part is, at some point, other family members (a.k.a. “the flying monkeys”) will get involved and start putting pressure on you to give in and apologize. As we sit in our corners waiting for me to break, weeks and months will pass. When the conversations pick back up again, everything will be like it was before the fight. I usually have never felt satisfied by the let’s pretend we didn’t scream horrible things at each other game. So I bring the base of the argument up, and her response fluctuates between gaslighting or blameshifting. Expressing your feelings to your mother is a healthy habit, especially in response to something she said that you found hurtful; emotional communication is good. According to family therapist Dawn Friedman, M.S.Ed., it’s considered gaslighting if a parent pushes back and says you’re sensitive when you express that their words or actions hurt your feelings. “In healthy relationships, people will listen to us when we have a problem with the way they’re communicating.” Since the narcissist isn’t interested in what you feel or think—or making things better between you, for that matter—the game of hot potato will work to your disadvantage, especially if you care about them. You will probably feel guilty—”She wasn’t wrong, I was angry”—until the moment in time when you have an epiphany and finally get it. While there are some one-offs, if I apologize for losing my temper, she will apologize for losing hers as well. The issues that started the fight, things said during the conflict, are put in a box, never to see the light of day again. And repeat. One of the wind-down conversations I was having with my friend put some new thoughts into my perspective. I was winding up on the subject of why I thought sending SDL to an older couple for the rest of the year was a bad idea, and re-referencing all the points I had made to my mother midway through my tirade MO stops me. Hey, hey, you don’t have to explain yourself and prove to me why you made the decision you did. You’re the mother; you made a choice; she should have respected that boundary and
Time to say good bye
I cried today, like absolutely bawling my eyes out cried today, in front of my kids, on the phone with my ex-husband. It was raw, honest, and exactly what I need to solidify my choices to shore up my boundaries against my very toxic narcissistic mother. What is Narcissism? The DSM-5 defines narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements) Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love. Believes that they are “special” and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions). Requires excessive admiration. Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with their expectations). It is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their ends. Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others. She is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes The diagnosis of NPD as other personality disorders requires evaluation of long-term patterns of functioning. Subtypes While the DSM-5 regards narcissistic personality disorder as a homogeneous syndrome, there is evidence for variations in its expression. In a 2015 paper by Gabbard and Crisp-Han, there are two significant presentations of narcissism; overt or covert. Those with narcissistic overt “grandiosity” express behavior through interpersonally exploitative acts, lack of empathy, intense envy, aggression, and exhibitionism. Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard described the subtype, which he referred to as the “oblivious” subtype, as being grandiose, arrogant, and thick-skinned. The subtype of narcissistic covert “vulnerability” entails helplessness, emptiness, low self-esteem, and shame, which can be expressed in the behavior as being socially avoidant in situations where their self-presentation is not possible, so they withdraw, or the approval they need/expect is not being met.” Gabbard described this subtype, which he referred to as the “hypervigilant” subtype as being easily hurt, oversensitive, and ashamed. In addition, a “high-functioning” presentation, where there is minor impairment in the areas of life where those with a more severe expression of the disorder typically have difficulties in, is suggested. The narcissistic mother’s behavior. Our mothers are the foundation of our first attachment to the world. As infants, we learn by her example how to bond with others. We derive our initial sense of self-worth from how she cares for us, nurtures us, protects and shields us from harm. A mother’s capacity to provide us with a healthy attachment, tune into our emotions, validate our pain, and meet our basic needs has a fundamental impact on our development, attachment styles, and emotional regulation (Brumariu & Kerns, 2010). When this initial attachment is instead tarnished by psychological violence, it can leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. A parent’s emotional and verbal abuse can hinder our learning, memory, decision-making, and impulse control in adulthood; it can also heighten our risk for anxiety, suicidal ideation, addiction, and depression (Bremner, 2006; Teicher, 2006; Brumariu & Kerns, 2008). An abusive, narcissistic mother sets up her daughters and sons for inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. Her insatiable need for control, inflated sense of entitlement, stunning lack of empathy, a tendency towards interpersonal exploitation, and constant need for attention overrides the welfare of her children (McBride, 2013). Not only does the narcissistic mother fail to protect us early on from the terrors of the outside world, but she also becomes the source of our terror. Rather than affection, we are exposed to unhealthy enmeshment, chronic rage, and egregious boundary-breaking. Narcissistic parenting distorts our self-perception; instead of being given the building blocks of healthy self-esteem, we internalize a nagging inner critic and a perpetual sense of self-doubt (Walker, 2013). The narcissistic mother’s erratic shift in emotions, her ever-conditional love, her constant shaming tactics, and her ruthless comparisons terrorize us, creating a persistent sense of anxiety where safety and security should be. What toxic parents all have in common is their inability to provide their children with a safe, nurturing, and loving environment. If they are narcissistically abusive, they are without empathy and sometimes even conscience. This type of ruthless behavior has a damaging impact on our early development and the way we navigate the world as adults. The narcissistic mother engages in the following toxic behaviors: She chronically shames her children. She sets up damaging comparisons among her children as well as their peers. She treats her children as extensions of her. She competes with her children, disrupts their transition to adulthood, and crosses sexual boundaries. An obsession with the external, at the expense of her child’s needs. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. Becomes enraged at any perceived threat to her superiority. Emotionally invalidates, guilt-trips, and gaslights her children. The narcissistic mother has no qualms about using her emotional outbursts to control and manipulate her children, yet when her children express their emotions, she invalidates them completely. She redirects the focus to her needs and guilt-trips her children at every sign of perceived disobedience. She provokes her children and is sadistically pleased when her put-downs and insults have staying power. Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct. Narcissistic grandmothers have a much more sinister plan in mind. These mothers are not capable of loving their grandchildren anymore than their own children. They have learned nothing from past mistakes or behaviors and will do everything in their power to undermine and destroy your relationship with your child. They don’t understand love. They don’t care how much they emotionally damage their grandchildren. Why would they? They never cared about their own children, and they see your children as leverage to hurt you. Narcissistic grandmothers usually go one of two ways.
How to Support Your Partner or Children with Anxiety: 5 Things to Try
If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic, or excessive worry, then it may be challenging for you to know how to support people in your life when they do. Being someone that has had GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life, it can be challenging to feel understood. Even having an ability to understand GAD from a clinical standpoint, it can still be difficult to explain my experience or know-how to self-soothe at times. Compound this with my oldest child showing signs of GAD, I struggle to make him feel understood and help him find behaviors to release those feelings. I think it is important for people to understand that anxiety and anxiety disorders can have an impact on anyone. Anxiety is complex and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all remedy or “fix.” People that experience debilitating anxiety may tell you they feel insecure or ashamed. “I would try to hide my anxiety because I was so embarrassed for being stressed out about dying. I’d notice a new birthmark and would immediately dwell and google skin cancer for days. I was convinced in my fear-stricken state that I was dying, yet my rational brain would often say, ‘You’re fine…’ It was almost as if I couldn’t trust which voice to listen to, so I just kept searching online for reassurance until I was so physically and emotionally upset that I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until then that my partner really started to understand how complex and heavy my anxiety really could become. I was so afraid he would minimize my experience and tell me how stupid I was; I didn’t know how to ask for support, let alone confront him with my fears, so I would often just close him off and then we would get into an argument.” This is an example of health anxiety, which many researchers think close to 15% of the population may struggle with this particular disorder. Someone struggling with health anxiety is often misunderstood and can be dismissed by others around them, including doctors or professionals. Social anxiety is also very common and many people mask their symptoms by engaging in alcohol or recreational drugs to soothe their fears. This can lead to arguments and misunderstandings. It is easy to make assumptions that they are just being shy, closed off, or awkward; maybe they have a drinking problem or they are socially rude. It is important to understand the root cause, because these may be signs that link to anxiety management instead. If your partner or children are struggling with anxiety and you don’t quite understand how to support them, please try these tips: Tip #1 Don’t (ever) tell them to “calm down,” “chill out,” or “don’t worry about it.” Although the intent may be supportive, it comes across insensitive and dismissive for the partner struggling with soothing their nervous system and intrusive thoughts. It may seem counterintuitive but try validating their anxiety instead. Validating their anxiety can actually help them put a name to their experience, while also helping them feel understood. “You’re feeling anxious… It’s ok. I’m here.” Tip #2 When they are not feeling anxious, try to understand what their anxiety is like for them. Ask questions like, “What does it feel like in your body?” “What thoughts do you have when you’re anxious?” or “Do you know what triggers it for you?” or “What helps you when you’re feeling that way?” Tip #3 During an anxiety attack, remind them to breathe. Deep and long inhales/exhales are incredibly helpful for their nervous system to calm and can distract their mind from continued panic. Tip #4 If your partner or children have a particular diagnosis, educate yourself on it. By researching what anxiety is, it can be more helpful for you to understand the symptoms from a more objective place. Tip #5 Support them in seeking professional help if they aren’t seeing someone already. Friendly Reminder- Anxiety is not always a rational train of thoughts and emotions. Please give them some grace and always try to exercise compassion. It may be hard to relate to and understand anxiety personally, (or rationally), but the more compassion you can express, the more they will feel comforted.
