You Are Not Alone
You Are Not Alone Family relationships are not always easy. There are divorces, stepparents, siblings, and sibling rivalries. Step-brothers and sisters, half-brothers and sisters, in-laws. Aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. Deaths. Births. All of these and all of the possible combinations. Family dynamics are complex, and then you throw in the personalities of all the human beings involved, and what do you have? A mess, pretty much. Some of us manage to wade through the mess pretty well. We may have lucked out in the original birth lottery and managed to come out with parents that were pretty stable, easy-going, and somehow managed to get us on the right track to adulthood relatively unscathed. And hopefully, we will work to get our kids off to a pretty similar start in their lives as well. Unfortunately, not all of us are quite so lucky. Somehow, we got dumped in the other end of the pool and spent many years wading through some seriously foul muck. Narcissistic mothers left us with massively bruised egos and self-esteem so low we can walk under a snake’s belly while wearing a top hat or dad’s with substance issues that were only present in our lives long enough to make us glad when they were not. Yet, somehow, we managed to survive and succeed in creating good lives for ourselves. We grew up to be good, vigorous adults, carving out lives for ourselves that we can be proud of. And we did this despite our families, not because of them. And then the holidays roll around, and we feel the guilt start to sink in again as we contemplate not going home. Or worse yet, we think the insecurities rear their ugly fangs as we do head home, knowing what we will face when we get there. All those years of therapy go out the window, and in minutes, your ego is jello, and your self-confidence on a scale of 1 to 10 is about a -12. Mom has you apologizing for being a ‘strong presence,’ or Dad is criticizing you for the new car. Stop. Take a deep breath and remember that you are NOT alone. Many of us out here have been through this, and you will get through this. You are strong, an entrepreneur with unique skills and talents that got you where you are today. You are not that child anymore. You are not simply the sum total of your parents; you are the person that YOU want to be, living the life that YOU want to live. You are not alone. This month has been a test of faith, forgiveness, my poor friends, family, therapist, and many soul searching, meditating, and journaling time. I know for sure that when I reach out needing help or comfort, she is the last person I call if I call her. To cement my decision, the final conversation with her five weeks later. My mother called the boys and was talking about school. I get handed the phone, waiting for SLF to get of the bath. Like eh… Mother: How’s SDL doing in school? Me: Not too bad, two Ds. Mother: A long monologue about her husband building her a cat patio. Me: Nice Mother: How her doctor finally fixed her blood pressure meds, and her blood pressure is better. Me: (Told her this summer they were grossly overmedicating her and her abnormally low blood pressure was not safe and to try to get into a doctor as soon as she got back home in August.) Nice Mother: How was SLF’s birthday? Me: Good pizza ranch and jump zone. SLF gets out of the bath and takes the phone. Eventually, she’s wrapping up the conversation. Mother: I love you, SLF. Tell SDL I love him. Tell SLW I love her. Is your mom nearby? SLF: Yes. Mother: Ok, tell her I’ll talk to her later. Click- SLF looks at me. Like damn. “Did she tell everyone she loved them, asked if you were nearby, and choose not to say I love you? I know, man, I know. From the outside, it’s a small if even simple mistake. However, from years of being enmeshed and learning to watch the clues, she gave out I can recognize the snub and the proverbial slap in the face that it was. I am thankful for those who have been my sounding board, let me cry it out, and give me the encouragement I need. Time to take a bow, this woman is done feeding the narcissist. Manifest in the Midwest
