Time to say good bye
I cried today, like absolutely bawling my eyes out cried today, in front of my kids, on the phone with my ex-husband. It was raw, honest, and exactly what I need to solidify my choices to shore up my boundaries against my very toxic narcissistic mother. What is Narcissism? The DSM-5 defines narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements) Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love. Believes that they are “special” and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions). Requires excessive admiration. Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with their expectations). It is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their ends. Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others. She is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes The diagnosis of NPD as other personality disorders requires evaluation of long-term patterns of functioning. Subtypes While the DSM-5 regards narcissistic personality disorder as a homogeneous syndrome, there is evidence for variations in its expression. In a 2015 paper by Gabbard and Crisp-Han, there are two significant presentations of narcissism; overt or covert. Those with narcissistic overt “grandiosity” express behavior through interpersonally exploitative acts, lack of empathy, intense envy, aggression, and exhibitionism. Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard described the subtype, which he referred to as the “oblivious” subtype, as being grandiose, arrogant, and thick-skinned. The subtype of narcissistic covert “vulnerability” entails helplessness, emptiness, low self-esteem, and shame, which can be expressed in the behavior as being socially avoidant in situations where their self-presentation is not possible, so they withdraw, or the approval they need/expect is not being met.” Gabbard described this subtype, which he referred to as the “hypervigilant” subtype as being easily hurt, oversensitive, and ashamed. In addition, a “high-functioning” presentation, where there is minor impairment in the areas of life where those with a more severe expression of the disorder typically have difficulties in, is suggested. The narcissistic mother’s behavior. Our mothers are the foundation of our first attachment to the world. As infants, we learn by her example how to bond with others. We derive our initial sense of self-worth from how she cares for us, nurtures us, protects and shields us from harm. A mother’s capacity to provide us with a healthy attachment, tune into our emotions, validate our pain, and meet our basic needs has a fundamental impact on our development, attachment styles, and emotional regulation (Brumariu & Kerns, 2010). When this initial attachment is instead tarnished by psychological violence, it can leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. A parent’s emotional and verbal abuse can hinder our learning, memory, decision-making, and impulse control in adulthood; it can also heighten our risk for anxiety, suicidal ideation, addiction, and depression (Bremner, 2006; Teicher, 2006; Brumariu & Kerns, 2008). An abusive, narcissistic mother sets up her daughters and sons for inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. Her insatiable need for control, inflated sense of entitlement, stunning lack of empathy, a tendency towards interpersonal exploitation, and constant need for attention overrides the welfare of her children (McBride, 2013). Not only does the narcissistic mother fail to protect us early on from the terrors of the outside world, but she also becomes the source of our terror. Rather than affection, we are exposed to unhealthy enmeshment, chronic rage, and egregious boundary-breaking. Narcissistic parenting distorts our self-perception; instead of being given the building blocks of healthy self-esteem, we internalize a nagging inner critic and a perpetual sense of self-doubt (Walker, 2013). The narcissistic mother’s erratic shift in emotions, her ever-conditional love, her constant shaming tactics, and her ruthless comparisons terrorize us, creating a persistent sense of anxiety where safety and security should be. What toxic parents all have in common is their inability to provide their children with a safe, nurturing, and loving environment. If they are narcissistically abusive, they are without empathy and sometimes even conscience. This type of ruthless behavior has a damaging impact on our early development and the way we navigate the world as adults. The narcissistic mother engages in the following toxic behaviors: She chronically shames her children. She sets up damaging comparisons among her children as well as their peers. She treats her children as extensions of her. She competes with her children, disrupts their transition to adulthood, and crosses sexual boundaries. An obsession with the external, at the expense of her child’s needs. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. Becomes enraged at any perceived threat to her superiority. Emotionally invalidates, guilt-trips, and gaslights her children. The narcissistic mother has no qualms about using her emotional outbursts to control and manipulate her children, yet when her children express their emotions, she invalidates them completely. She redirects the focus to her needs and guilt-trips her children at every sign of perceived disobedience. She provokes her children and is sadistically pleased when her put-downs and insults have staying power. Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct. Narcissistic grandmothers have a much more sinister plan in mind. These mothers are not capable of loving their grandchildren anymore than their own children. They have learned nothing from past mistakes or behaviors and will do everything in their power to undermine and destroy your relationship with your child. They don’t understand love. They don’t care how much they emotionally damage their grandchildren. Why would they? They never cared about their own children, and they see your children as leverage to hurt you. Narcissistic grandmothers usually go one of two ways.
