The subtle act of not giving a f…
Why do we care so much about other people’s opinions, even those of total strangers? Why do we do things or not do some things because of how we expect others to react? No matter the “why,” the truth is, at some point, we base our actions and decisions on how we anticipate other people will perceive us. As a result, we don’t always do what we want to do because we’re afraid of what others will think. “Oh, I could never dye my hair a funky color; what would my mother say, what would my job say, what about the other moms’ in the drop-off line?” “I need to take over the family’s business. My parents have been grooming me for it for years. They even made me attend business school. I would be disowned if I told them I wanted to be a police officer.” There are many reasons we care about what people think of us, but I will start with the basics: Biology. We are programmed to seek validation, approval, and inclusion in our tribes. It is a survival instinct. Humans are pack animals; we hunt and live together for survival. So back in our caveman days, keeping in with the tribe was important because if the tribe rejects you, you are thrown out into the wilderness to face the elements and, soon after, death. But as our societies progressed to be more complex and our tribes to be much larger with better communication skills to change tribes relatively safely, it became a question of pride, ego, and social validation. It became less about our avoiding death and more about gaining status to a better lifestyle. The more popular we are, the more likely we are to succeed because people are more willing to help us on our journeys. It is essential to listen to opinions from a very select few people you can trust to tell you if you’re doing something completely crazy or encourage you to take a risk. These are people that truly understand you and have your best interests at heart. But what about other people’s opinions? What about those who spew hate and venom your direction for no reason? Or what about people you go to school with, work with, or otherwise have to tolerate because you encounter them frequently? For a good chunk of my life, I valued the opinions of almost everyone too much. I wasn’t the most confident kid. Like many others, I was made fun, relentlessly. I was painfully shy. I fit in better with adults than my peers. My long thick hair called nappy when classmates tried running their hands through my hair and got stuck. I didn’t dress girly and preferred low-key boy groups. I avoided any high-maintenance catty chick cliques where you had to fight other girls to stay in the club from elementary to now. Family members didn’t understand my passions or fashion choices, with constant criticism that I should dress like this, be like this, and other unrealistic expectations. I liked reading and cutting wood scraps to make habitats for creatures. I cared for my dogs more than I did most people. This was not “normal” girl behavior, and other kids and family members let me know it. My analysis of these events was: do something different from everyone else, and you’ll be berated. Better to fit in. I believed I needed to be ‘perfect’ to be liked. This led to a tremendous amount of pressure and stress to fit the mold. Yet, I never felt good enough or as though as I was ever allowed to be me. I grouped relationships by how I could act around them. People who were open with spiritual beliefs to the right, people who liked to go to the rodeos in the middle, and wanted to wine and paint to the left… I had to tone down and censor myself in almost every group. As a mom, daughter, granddaughter, business owner, student, teacher, spouse, co-worker, and so forth, I wore many hats and carried the expectations from those people on things I should and shouldn’t do. “As a mom, you need to dress more modestly. (Because shorts and a tank top in the humid Iowa summer are unmodest.) What do you think your kids will think about your tattoos when they are older? Don’t you think you should get a real job? (Me working from home with my businesses maintaining the bills and kids, but it wasn’t a typical 9 to 5, so it wasn’t “real.”) You were such a good student; I don’t know why you didn’t go to college or end up being a [insert random career here]. (Me waiting until I knew what I wanted to do with my life to go to college.). I get that you are all into worshipping trees and rocks and stuff, but you should go to church too.” Being just Sharame by wearing, talking, and doing whatever I wanted was almost impossible. Realizing I had to challenge my beliefs and replace them with more positive alternatives was one big turning point in overcoming my anxiety and depression around all the burdens I was carrying. So how do you stop caring what people think for the better? Since it is so hard-wired into us, how do we just stop? Next week I’ll talk about some of the ways I started to realize my worth, stopped treating everyone’s opinions like gold, and was able to release the real me. Manifest in the Midwest
